I'm your friend

Hi my name is....

I wanted you because you were bad for me, and I liked that, I thought you would drag me out of this self imposed insecurity. Drag me by my heels even, all because you loved me, and you wanted me to show people the version of me you knew. That's the fantasy I imagined for us... very cliche, on the nose, cinematic, whatever,it's what I wanted, I wanted someone, to want me to be myself. Instead of the shadow I was known to be. Oh, with this, page, I disclosed a picture I took of a sunset, my favorite picture, honestly the most peaceful day I had was when I took this, crazy right, I had peaceful days? Ha, it's funny to think about. Even with all these different emotions, flustering inside me, one thing was clear, I wanted you, needed you, and sometimes (most of the time) craved you. You gave me the validation that I wanted, the proof I needed, you showed me I was in fact alive. You complete me, as creepy as that sounds, you did, and that's what I wanted for you to complete me, make me be the person I want, I couldn't do it myself, you had to make me. But the day we first met, I skipped most of my classes, which reminds me, I skipped daily, and still somehow kept a B average,  guess teachers didn't notice me either. But my last class I always went to, ART, I loved art, it was so freeing and fun. But something was different that day, not only did my favorite class bring out spray paint, you and I had the same class. Let's make some things very clear, one I loved to sketch, paint, doodle, color, and graffiti, and two now you were there, which was a huge plus. When I walked in and saw you my heart skipped into a flutter, my breath went still, and my thoughts were screaming. I couldn't believe it was you, in my class, you, this was next level happiness, the only flaw, you sat two seats across from me, and that was no good. I put in a request for a seat change, saying the view of outside "inspired me", which the art teacher ate up. Next thing I knew I was right next to you, you smelled so nice that day, not that you didn't everyday, but on the first day your smell was, what's the word? Intoxicating? Yea, that's it. I felt whole next to you, you were Pandora's box, I opened something with you, and I didn't know it yet, but I would never figure out how to close it. Isn't it almost laughable that, something like a human being, so fragile but so sturdy, so defined yet unknown, beautiful and ugly, can tether a girl,her very life to you. Off subject, let's pretend that you own the world, right? And now it's come to one decision, it has to be made by you. To save the planet, you either have to, kill all humans, or all the animals. Honestly, people have never been my favorite so mine is the obvious choice right, I don't know, animals have always been really cool to me. OH MY GODFATHER, so newsflash my grandmother is a complete bitch, as if you didn't know already. She just breaks in here talking about I better not have boys over while she's gone, she doesn't want anyone else to take care of if she ain't getting paid for it. Fucking bitch, I hate her, and I hate it here. I look forward to my death, an escape from this hell, and into the next. I have no doubts that I'll end up in hell, I don't wanna go, I mean, I repented of all things and blah blah, details. But I still think I'm going down for all the things I've done.   But back to us, after art we chatted for a while, then you left, left me there, throbbing, yearning for anything you could give me. I cringed at the thought of you actually touching me, adolescents are cursed with experiencing emotions in their entirety at once. To simplify, if you're mad, you're furious, sad, you're depressed, happy, ecstatic. This is brought on by puberty, that biological clock finally strokes teen and until a certain age, you're at its mercy. Jeez what I wouldn't give for a reprieve. I recently went to church, never been before, but it wasn't all bad, there were some people I knew had dark sides. There was this one guy I saw with his wife and family, but a few weeks ago he stopped me and offered me 200 bucks to give him "a good time". Needless to say I turned him down, but to come here and act like your a saint, why? What does that do? You can't hide it from yourself. Denial a haven for some, a hell for others, could you imagine if I actually came out and said "yes he tried pay me for sex" he would probably bury me. Friend, answer me something, if I had told you how I felt, would those feelings be mutual? If I came up and said hi my name is, and I am so in love with the energy you carry, what would you say? I'm only asking cause, I wanted to tell you, I wanted you to know, that I do love your energy, your face, your body, your vibe. I never expected to love you like this honestly, and sometimes I wish I didn't.