Drown (MXM)

Therapy Session 2

Sorry the update was a little late today guys, I overslept quite a bit because I was up studying late last night. Though it's short, I hope you enjoy the chapter. :)

Three weeks before open ocean research trip...

"So you say your boss, this Alec, makes you feel comforted because he believes in you, and you feel there is no one else who will?" Dr. Scott asked whilst tracing his bottom lip with a black pen that had his name on it in silver writing.

I looked up at the popcorn ceiling above us, trying to find pictures in it like one does with stars in the sky.

"Maybe? I don't know, it feels like more than that. It's like... this bitter sense of loneliness that I had been feeling has been lifted off my shoulders as well. I didn't want to believe this thing existed, not because I thought I was seeing things, but because I didn't want to have to deal with the solitude that came with it. If you tell yourself you are crazy enough times, you eventually begin to believe it, and let go of anything else that could prove what you saw was real." I tried my best to explain my emotions, not only to the doctor, but to myself as well.

"But you didn't actually believe what you saw wasn't real, in our last session, you seemed pretty adamant that you were attacked by this creature. And you say you did research to try and figure it out, what you say and do are contradicting each other at this point, don't you think?"

I glared at the ceiling, angry that this doctor seemed to love refuting anything I had to say.

"You are angry with me. Dr. Arden, it is in my profession, that I do the things your brain won't allow you to do. I become the physical voice of any doubts you might have within yourself, to help you get to the root of your problems. I'm not saying anything you don't already know yourself, and that fact makes you mad, because it makes you uncomfortable. We call this, cognitive dissonance. Do you know what that is?" The words rolled out of Dr. Scotts mouth easily, even as they began to tear through all of my current mental insecurities.

"No, but I'm sure you're going to enlighten me on what it means anyways," was my crude remark.

"Cognitive dissonance, is when our actions, beliefs, thoughts, and or attitudes do not align. As humans, when we make a decision, all of these need to be on the same page, otherwise we experience mental discomfort. We are animals, programmed with years of biological principles that have allowed us to survive. When these things don't agree with each other, we do anything we can to escape that mental discomfort by forcing an alignment. For example, we often criticize smokers for continuing their habit, even though they are aware of how bad it is for them. Their action is their continuation of the habit, outside sources tell them it is bad for them, throwing their action and their thoughts off balance. However, they can try to force the alignment by saying something like, one cigarette won't hurt me, or, I've been doing it for so long that it doesn't really matter anymore. Now, their actions match their thoughts and they are led to a sense of temporary comfort, where they can continue to smoke without worrying about long term health consequences." The doctor drew on, and I'd be lying if I said it didn't take all my willpower not to zone out.

"So what does this have to do with me?" I asked, still confused as to where all of this was going.

"Well, your problem is very similar, in a sense, though perhaps a bit more complex. Your action is your continuation of pursuit for this creature that has caught your interests. Your thoughts are that you are doing this for the sake of science, and in order to scratch that itch of curiosity that won't let you walk away. But your belief, is that no one will believe you, and that maybe you'd be better off if you had just imagined it all, so you call yourself crazy. Which influences your attitude and makes you angry, because you are experiencing mental discomfort, as a result of misalignment." What Dr. Scott was saying made sense, and I knew he was right, though I didn't want to admit it.

"Then how do I fix it? How do I get back into alignment?" I asked, genuinely feeling concerned that I'd never escape this painful cycle.

"It sounds easier in principle than it is in practice, but to me, it seems like you've already found a way. Alec believes you, and that comforts you because it aligns your belief with the rest of it. You can either trust in Alec and allow yourself to be at ease as you pursue this creature. Or, you can drop it all together, and forget about it all, continuing your job as it had been before."

It did sound simple, but I knew there was really only one option left to me. It was doubtedly the last time I'd see the creature, and I had already promised to meet with the team tonight to search for it. As it would seem, my decision was already made for me the minute I confided in Alec.

There would be no turning around anymore, because I am not crazy, and I am going to catch that damn fish.