heartsick.

two

     "we have arrived at seoul station, thank you for traveling with us," the robotic female voice announced. jisu got off the train and made her way out the station. her body tensed when she stared at her surroundings, the city she had left a few years ago. four, to be exact.

she decided to go to hoseok's memorial although she probably wouldn't even be welcomed. namjoon and most of hoseok's family knew about her so they most likely also knew that she left him out of nowhere. even though she did not have the same feelings hoseok had for her, jisu still felt an immense love and admiration towards the young man.

he was her best friend, someone she trusted and felt happiness with. there was never a dull moment with jung hoseok. he always knew how to make someone laugh or even crack a smile when they weren't feeling the best. jisu couldn't believe she never noticed he needed the same support he used to give her and many others. she thought that maybe, if she noticed, he wouldn't be gone.

jisu took a cab straight to the address an unknown number had sent her a message a few hours after she heard the voicemail. it was around 4am when the girl received the message. her phone chimed in her purse and she weakly stood up to check what the notification was. even walking over to her couch was difficult due to her exhausted legs so she sat down on the more comfortable seating and unlocked the device. she read the address and guessed the number belonged to namjoon so she decided to ask him something that had been stuck in her head since he told her the news about hoseok.

jisu:
may i ask, how did he die?

it took only a few seconds for namjoon to reply and his response finished off shattering her completely.

namjoon:
it was suicide.

if hearing the news about hoseok's death hurt, finding out that it was because he killed himself was excruciating. jisu wept all night long until her eyes couldn't produce any more tears and she fell asleep without realizing it. even though it had been three days since she found out and hadn't shed a tear since then, her body was still exhausted and in pain.

jisu's eyes felt heavy as she sat in the cab , but she couldn't go to sleep no matter how tired she felt because she was worried. the ride that was only supposed to take about fifteen minutes ended up taking half an hour due to traffic. jisu became more anxious as time passed and she clenched her fists tightly, digging her long nails into her hands as she did.

she didn't want to miss the memorial. even though jisu was planning to be there for just a few minutes, she wanted to go before it ended.

"we've arrived," the taxi driver said and she thanked the man before before paying him and getting off the vehicle. she dragged her small suitcase behind her and inhaled a deep breath as she looked up at the building in front of her.

jisu gnawed at her cracked bottom lip and walked inside, feeling her heart race and stomach churn the further she went in. the girl took slow steps to avoid making much noise and left her suitcase outside of the room the service was taking place. she wouldn't be staying there for long anyway, all she wanted to do was bid her farewell to the man she cared about a lot.

jisu snuck in and sat at one of the few empty seats all the way in the back. she heard sniffles and soft cries coming from many people and she began to look around more but stopped when his face caught her eyes.

jung hoseok's portrait was propped up on a long stand. his smile in the picture looked identical to the one she last saw him wearing before she left. his eyes glimmered with tears because of how hard he had been smiling. jisu remembered the exact day the picture was taken. it was the day she had accepted to be his girlfriend and she took the picture to tease him on how euphoric he looked after.

hoseok looked so happy in the picture that no one would've ever assumed he wasn't. sadly, that's exactly what happened, no one found out until he killed himself.

jisu wiped away her stray tears and tore her gaze away from the photo. she concluded that she couldn't be there any longer. if she was caught by his parents or someone else that recognized her, they'd probably kick her out anyway.

jisu stood up from the bench and at the same time, she saw someone else stand up from her peripheral vision. she glanced to her side and when she made locked eyes with the man she had been in love with for years, her breath hitched and eyes watered all over again.

namjoon was surprised as he stared back at the girl who left his best friend. he didn't actually think she'd go to the funeral of someone she didn't even love because in his eyes, a person does not leave the one they love. namjoon felt so anxious for a reason he couldn't comprehend after sending jisu the news of hoseok's death.

now that he was looking at her, he understood why. namjoon didn't actually want her there. he despised jisu. he hated her for hurting his best friend the way she did. he hated her for leaving the most important person in his life.

namjoon forgot that he was supposed to be speaking and was ready to go confront jisu but she ran out before he could even take a step toward her.

jisu fell back into the wall to take deep breaths she didn't even realize she had been holding it in the entire time. the girl swallowed the sobs threatening to escape then quickly grabbed her suitcase and ran out the funeral home before anyone else could see her, accepting the fact that she would never see hoseok or the man she loved ever again.

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stay safe and be careful lovelies <3