To All The Peter Kavinsky's I've Loved Before

chapter thirteen

Christmas is just around the corner which means a lot of my spending habits will have to subside for a few months. These presents and these lists just keep on getting longer and longer every year and whose to blame? Santa, commercials and the urge to want things- everything if your a little kid under the age of 12.

"Sweetie you've got a visitor" My mother peeked through my wide open door, my hand shuting my book and tossed it on my desk, I wasn't really expecting any visitors at the moment. G's not in town but Peter is.

I conjured up the words that'll come up to my mind once I see Peter's face but that's all thought not really much of actions. If he weren't so selfish maybe we'd be together but then at the end of the day forever is just a word. Relationships end and new ones form. Why take that away from the universe?

"Hey" His hands in his pockets, the typical Peter Kavinsky stature. I rose my brows at him and threw my hoodie on and slipped into my flip flops as he followed me back out the door

At first we didn't exchange any words. I wanted to say something- everything really but my mouth just won't open. This whole walk is repetition- he sighs, I sigh, he glances, I glance back. Say something Peter, apologize- do something!

"Why did you come?" Since he wasn't brave enough to even speak I had to start us off, so by the time we made it to our destination, wherever that is, I'd have time to make a run for home or some place else that doesn't have Peter

He glanced at me, words forming. He wanted to say something but instead he smiled at me "Peter I don't have time for this"

"I don't know what you want me to say. I want to be with you, you breaking up with me sounds like the feeling isn't mutual- I want to have a future with you. Can't you see that and you just run off and break up with me?" Wow. That was a lot of blaming that I definitely didn't know I'll be carrying around today "And- and that Baxter dude? Pictures are worth a thousand words, baby, he looked like he likes you" Peter continued, forgetting that we'd been broken up for about a week now yet still using silly little nicknames.

I scoffed at the sound of that. Peter's being selfish and I'm not here for it, I cannot change my plans and my dreams just because someone doesn't agree with them. "What?" He looked down at me, those beautiful eyes I always found comfort in gazing down at me in a way I didn't want it to

"Maybe we should start seeing other people" By the time I said that we were at the corner of the block, right across the park where my car was sitting under the tree- I came home late last night and wanted to cry a little before I came home, that's why I parked so far. It helps and the extra walking that I have to do gives my eyes enough time to depuff itself.

He looked at me, stopped walking "Why- why would you even say something like that?" I gave him an obvious look on my face as we sat in my car, drove in silence to an empty spot where no one can hear and listen in

"Again, why would you insist that we see other people?" Peter looked at me confused and hurt but he's done that to me one too many times already. I turned towards him and let out a breath "I will never put my life on hold for anybody. Peter I have so many feelings when it comes to you- God Peter I love you but when it comes to my future you can't be selfish about that. If you're going to make me choose my future over you, I'd pick my future over and over. You don't understand Peter. You just don't, no matter how many times I explain it to you" I was done, he hadn't shown me any improvements on trying to be better for the both of us, I want to have a rock solid future and I am not going to give that up for a boy, not even for Peter Kavinsky the lacrosse God of the town

He was quiet but I knew he'd want to say so many things "I love you too Kay, but forgive me for being selfish, all I really want is to have a life with you. I-I- I want to start a family with you, I want to be with you for the rest of my life so forgive me for choosing our future... I guess we're just at two different places" That hurt me, I want the same things too but not at the cost of  my future

"Peter, you don't get to do this and play the victim. I want that as much as you do but if you don't think that what we have will not be strong enough to withstand New York and North Carolina then I guess, this- us, was just a complete waste of time" my fingers moved back and forth, I'm angry that he thinks I don't want a life with him in which I do, really do but how are we going to live and survive if I choose him over me? How am I going to be happy and content if I blew off my full ride scholarship just to be with the man that I love? That's bullshit. This is bullshit.

"Geez" Were the words that escaped his mouth "Listen to me when I say that I love you, look me in the eyes and watch my pupils grow bigger, place your hands on my chest and feel my heart beat. I love you but I will never be able to forgive myself if I give up my dreams of being a surgeon Peter, I want to build a life with you as much as you do but you cannot make me choose between the two things that I want the most. It's not fair to me. It's only fair to you but you don't see that because you think that your dream will help us but what if one day- God forbid- you injure yourself, how the hell are we going to pay the bills if I'm not a kick ass surgeon? How are we going to last if all we do is argue about how I chose you over a dream I've always wanted the second I learned how to walk? I don't want that. We can be happy and we will make it work but you don't think we can so what's the harm in establishing we see other people sooner than later? It saves us multiple heart breaks." I was sitting on the hood of my car while he stood there arms in his pockets, no words escaped but I started to cry. I was frustrated, my face buried in my hoodie

Peter hadn't said anything else after that. He stuttered, muttered but nothing seemed important enough for him to say things louder. "This is it Peter. I-" I sighed "I really do hope that you have a great life, pettiness aside. I'll love you for as long as I can and I know you will too but we're just not seeing eye to eye on a fucking 7 hour long distance relationship." I sat in my car and waited for him to get back in but he just sort of stood there, staring at me. I guess I'm worth less to him than I thought I was, we were so good together.

Sometimes if you can't get the best of both worlds you have to choose which one will benefit you the most in the long run. Choose your poison and drown in it.