Into Darkness

CHAPTER 1

sorry for the long wait but here it is FINALLY 

*possible trigger warning 

I sat at the kitchen counter, an unopened bottle of Jack in front of me. I wanted nothing more than the mind-numbing emptiness I knew was at the bottom of that bottle. The sight of Angel's highchair and his toys littering the ground had me second-guessing myself. Both him and Stas had been gone for 3 days now and I was supposed to meet them at the clubhouse yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to move from where I was. I stared at the bottle, my mind forcing me to remember everything I had tried so goddamn hard to forget. I threw the bottle on the floor without realizing what I was doing, the sound of shattering glass barely enough to bring me back to reality. I sank to my knees, trying to collect the shards of glass, barely feeling them bite into my skin. My blood mixed in with the glass and whiskey that covered the kitchen floor and for the first time in a long time, I felt weak. I had been trying to convince myself that I wasn't this person anymore, but the sight of my blood-covered hands and the smell of whiskey in the air reminded me that this was part of who I am, no matter how much I tried to forget.

After I cleaned up the kitchen and bandaged up my hands, I made my way to the bathroom to clean myself up. I looked in the mirror, my reflection not a familiar one. My once short dark hair was now white blonde and mid-length. My blue eyes were brighter than usual. I had added to the various tattoos on my body, including an angel wing behind my ear. Nate's ring still hung against my chest. I looked as different as I felt, but just like the roots of my hair beginning to show, I knew that the person I once was still there and always would be. The ringing of my phone broke me out of my daze and I saw that it was Stas calling me again. I had been dodging her calls for the past week and she knew it. She was giving me as much time as she could, but with the club on lockdown, my time was running out. I knew that I would have to go back, and I knew that it would have to be soon.

"What the fuck happened?" my eyes snapped back to the mirror, Ace's familiar face filling the frame behind me. I just shook my head.

"I really regret giving you a key." He didn't respond, his eyes not leaving the blood in the sink. He was worried and if I was being honest with myself, I was too.

"You don't have to go back Scar. I'll talk to Dom, you can stay there and you'll be safe." Asking for help from his brother was a big deal for Ace, especially after what had happened last year. I didn't have it in me to ask if they had spoken for the fear that Ace would think about what happened that night, come to his senses and realize that I didn't deserve his forgiveness, much less his friendship.

"I can't ask that from either of you. I don't even know what's going on with the club, but I know Val wouldn't call us back if it wasn't important. They're still my family, I have to go."

"Then I'll go with you."

"You can't. You have the shop here and I won't risk putting you in danger just because I'm being a pussy."

"Scar I know you're scared to see him, but you're stronger now, I know you are. He took advantage of you and lied to you. You know now that you deserve more than that." I had ended up telling Ace everything after one too many shots and a fucking boatload of tears and while part of me regretted it, I knew I needed to tell someone. I thought back to the way Jax's hands felt on my body, the sound of his voice, his stupid smirk or his deep chuckle. It didn't feel like he was taking advantage of me, but the truth was that by keeping that piece of crucial information from me, he did. I had been trying to convince myself for the past year that I deserved better than that, even though I wasn't so sure if I did. If I had known what Jax did, would I still have let myself fall for him?

I liked to think not, but the truth was I didn't know. Even now, knowing what I know, part of my heart was still his and always would be. No amount of hair dye or yoga or reading self-help books could change that. I nodded at Ace and he gave me my favourite smile, the one that made my heart hurt because he thought I believed him. The truth was I was caught between who I was and who he wanted me to be so badly. It made my heart fucking break because he believed in me more than I ever could, and I knew that I would disappoint him eventually. I shook my head and pressed my finger against one of the cuts in my hands, watching as more blood poured into the sink. The pain took my mind away from Jax and all the bullshit that came with the thoughts of him. I had managed to overcome some of my worst habits, but this wasn't one of them. It took something physical to make me forget him, whether it was punching things until my knuckles bled or sleeping with someone else. It terrified me to think that my feelings for him would never fade, that I would be like this forever.

Thinking about it made me realize I had something to prove. Not to the club or my brothers, not to Ace or Stas or even Val, not even to Jax. I had to prove to myself that I was strong enough to walk away from him, not only out of respect for myself but for my family. I imagined what my life would be like if I let Jax back into it. The thought of Angel knowing him and inevitably loving him without knowing what he did was enough to make my stomach turn. I knew it could never work, no matter how much I wanted it to, and that was enough for me. Maybe I couldn't get myself through this, but all I had to do was remember Angel and the life he was forced into, a life without a father, and that would be enough to make me walk away. It had to be.

I took a deep breath and looked at my bag that had been packed and was waiting at the door and realized I was finally ready. I was going back, and I was leaving tonight.