Falling Behind - A Twice AU

Never Perfect

We returned back home around six in the afternoon after the photo shoot. The experience was enjoyable towards the end as I got to see Sana-unnie try to put on her best "bad girl" face. I smiled to myself as I threw myself into my bed within the maknae room. Again and again, I found myself thinking about that adorable squirrel.

However, I knew that deep inside, it was wrong. Even with the dating ban gone for Twice, it was hard for a gay relationship to thrive in South Korea. People looked down on those who participated in that kind of thing. Besides, even if Sana-unnie enjoyed doing what she did with me, it's not like she truly liked me.

There were so many idols like her who took skinship to the next level. It was like watching a full-on relationship when they interacted with their members, and people even created ships with them. I suppose it was platonic relationships in play, but to me, I felt like we could only do gay things as long as we didn't officially state we're gay.

Still, my heart couldn't help but yearn for something that I knew was very wrong, yet felt so natural. When it came to boys, I did find them attractive and loved their personalities. But, when I looked at my unnies, I would choose any of them over a boy any day. It felt natural to me since we essentially did everything together. They meant everything to me and I loved them dearly. My heart was bound to fall for one of them.

I was knocked out of my thoughts when someone literally knocked on my forehead. I opened my eyes to see Chaeyoung-unnie there with a frown.

"We said we were going to eat at home when we were in the car. Did you space out again, Y/N?" she asked.

I thought as hard as I could to find any recollection of a dinner, but I couldn't. "I-I must have.. I'm sorry, Chaeyoung-unnie. You can head down first. I wanna change into something more comfo-"

"What's been going on with you, Y/N?" she asked, cutting me off.

She was looking deep into my eyes.

"I... I don't understand what you're referring to, Chaeyoung-unnie..." I replied, feeling nervous as I was still laying down.

"Your behavior has been strange lately," she began. "It's like... You're not here half the time. You're constantly saying sorry to all of us. If you're feeling stressed or something, you know you can tell me, Jihyo-unnie, or anybody else, right?"

I felt my voice lodge in my throat. I couldn't let her know about what was happening inside me. I refused to be a burden to the people who helped me succeed.

"I-I'm... I'm just being a bit clumsy, you know? I don't know what's been going on with me. But, I promise I'll be better later on. It won't be a problem," I said in order to reassure her.

My hopes were shattered when Chaeyoung-unnie sighed at me. She got off of my bed and walked over to the door. Before leaving the room, she turned around and had a sad expression on her face.

"I respect your privacy, Y/N. But, we all know what it's like to feel pressure. We're at the top of the industry and so much is expected of us now. You're only twenty years old, so it's impossible for you to not feel stressed when Jihyo-unnie and the rest of us have so much of it. We're always here for you," she said before turning around and closing the door.

My heart was beating so fast after she left. I felt like hyperventilating. I curled up into a ball and took deep breaths to calm myself down. I pondered her words and heard the truth in them, but I couldn't help it. It was that exact reason why I refused to show as less weakness as possible.

Jihyo-unnie and the others already had enough stress. There was no point in me adding to it and risk jeopardizing their performances. Being the maknae meant that there was a lot of attention on me. But, if I showed them that I was okay, and could brush off any concerns, it would allow them to represent Twice with everything they had.