Vent Book

Am I too High?

You know. Everyone looks down at people who substance abuse. And for a while I did too. Although what is substance abuse? Some would say that if using becomes a need, you need to stop. Yet, I say to those people, what if using is the only thing that gets you to therapy each week. Because if you weren't fucked up you'd be broken down before your therapist even had time to make sure that you're okay.

Now, mind you. I'm not addicted to the hard shit. I'm not even really addicted to anything. I drink to put my mind elsewhere for a while. So I can be myself without having to worry about all of the other things that make life so scary. I smoke to calm my anxiety. To get a moment of clarity with all the dissociation. Being able to finally sleep at night and not be tormented by whatever my mind is in the mood for that night. Sometimes being able to even just walk outside and do what I need to.

I can't tell you how many times I've had to go to Therapy high because I know if I wasn't, I'd bolt out the door when confronting my demons. Maybe I'm cheating, or maybe I'm not. While my friends and family don't like how much I drink, and my family certainly doesn't like me smoking. I've found a way to get by. A way to continue fighting through life.

A method to get to that damn office every week, and feel a little bit okay about myself and where I stand in the universe. If that's cheating then okay, I'll take it. I'm not a saint, and I won't pretend to be one.

I keep telling myself that one day this'll have all been worth it. The money spent on weed, and the empty days spent staring at my computer screen with my mind in a haze and my eyes dazed. Listening to music that hurts almost as much as the times I'm living in. Feeling my soul connect with half a billion others who no doubt feel the same way.

Yeah, even though I'm not addicted or have destroyed anything while high or drunk. Drugs are bad, but life is worse. And sometimes to win, you've got to stoop a little.

Hell I wrote this while high, so who's to really say fighting fire with fire doesn't work.