Isn't it strange how you want to do nothing but let yourself fall in love. The pieces are all there, you've found someone you really like. You click well, and you're almost certain they're way out of your league, but the chances of them saying yes are almost a given. However, you won't take that leap. You're afraid that you'll run out of time. It's no fair to love someone when you could be ripped away from them in three months. Is it worth three months of happiness, for years of heartbreak?
Yet you took a partial leap. He didn't say yes or no, but he's willing to see how things develop if you are. Yet at the same time, you're just sitting there with bittersweet pangs running through your heart as you watch a path that you desperately want to go down. Only to realize your actions prior at the darkest point in your life will now keep you from having what you've desperately chased for years. Equally, returned, love.
So you soak up every chance you get to spend time with him. He drives long hours from out of state to your city and you both make up excuses to see one another. Go out to dinner with friends, and just be happy that finally, you have a relationship that's a bit more physical than your latest faceless online relationship.
Although even then you feel dazed wondering if you're really ready for commitment, and something real. Or if you're just feeling manic today and want to move towards a polyamorous relationship and finally stop denying the shouting of your heart. Yet fear as well as you don't know whether or not your latest romantic interest is polyamorous or not.
The weighing of the decision to either say something and work a clear answer out. Or remain silent and repress part of you again for another period of time.
Yet even with all of this, you still like him. The way he smiles, his laugh when he's happy. The quiet air of contemplation when he's thinking, or the mischievous side that spends all of its time trying to poke your ribs to see how high you jump this time.
It isn't quite yet love. Yet you can feel the attraction there. If only you hadn't fucked up your life beforehand. You could've been happy.
That's all this year seems to be. Constant reminders of what could've been, while being forced to live through them knowing they're all temporary.
YOU ARE READING
Vent Book
Non-FictionI dunno, deep thoughts, LoFi vibes, and a whole lotta weed. Not for the faint of heart because I'm not PG-13 and neither are my thoughts. Listen to Yūgen's playlists while readng for best effect.
