When Death takes notice

Pink Frosting And A Splash Of Coffee - Sample

The deafening mixed roar of strangers talking, clangs of cups, and the thick smell of coffee, was more than a little overwhelming, as I sat there smack in the middle of the too crowded coffee shop with my three best friends. I was trying very subtly to subdue the small internal panic attack that was on the verge of running amok before it actually managed to tear my fragile mind to shreds. If the panic took over they would know, everyone would know!

Fuck!

Breathe...

Just breathe...

Remember to breathe...

We were on vacation in London, Kate, Rose, Beth and I, and here I was panicking in silence instead of actually enjoying myself like I should be doing. The other girls were oblivious to my silent struggle, which was not that strange considering that I had never in our 12 years of being friends told them about my battles with social anxiety. I had become nothing less than a genius at hiding the small telltale signs of my panic from them, all because I was terrified that someone might one day learn the truth. I did not want anyone to treat me any differently because of my panic, and most importantly, I didn't want them to see just how weirdly damaged I was. I did not want them to see just how much of a freak I really was, because no one wants to be friends with a freak. A freak is someone you avoid, someone you make fun of, someone you watch for your own cruel amusement.

Watching!

They are watching me...

Someone is watching me!

I glanced nervously around the bright lemon-colored coffee shop as I tried to ignore the screeching voice inside of my own head, and at the same time, I had to divide part of my faltering focus on the almost impossible task of keeping my breath as even as possible. I felt hot, too hot! The people, the constant roar of sounds, the hot dry air, it was all making it almost impossible to breathe. I did a quick reconnaissance of the room, my eyes darting everywhere all at once. Flickering erratically from person to person, not really taking in any details, just checking where they where looking, checking if they were laughing, if they were laughing at me. I finally came to the conclusion that no one was actually looking at me. It was all in my head, again.

Breathe...

Just calm down..

It's all in your head.. in your mind..

That's right... just breathe...

Suddenly a loud high pitched laugh broke through the constant low buzzing of the coffee shop. My widening eyes flew over to the table by the entrance of the shop, I was going into instant panic mode again. The table was occupied by three blonde girls, giving off a slightly bitchy vibe. But their mocking laughter wasn't aimed at me this time, so I relaxed a bit, and slowly shifted my focus back to my friends after a long outdrawn bout of hesitation. Rose and Kate had apparently begun arguing about the plans we had made for the coming day.

"I think we should go to Harrods later in the week! Going there tomorrow doesn't make any damn sense at all considering the fact that we are going to be on the other side of town the rest of the whole damned fucking day!" Kate said, her voice filled with a layer of thinly veiled exasperation.