becoming {h.s} | {b2}

CHAPTER TWELVE

— CHAPTER TWELVE —

june, year one.

Following the events that had transpired only a few weeks before, I decided not to commemorate my birthday with a large party. I just didn't have the interest in it. To date, last year's birthday had been my best, solely because it was time spent with the people most important to me. This year I wanted to replicate that, plain and simple. I told Will that I wanted a birthday dinner just with him and Harry. He found it a bit odd, knowing that I've had a hard time communicating with Harry as of late. Recently, I've begun to open up to Will about some of my issues with Harry. Harry has always been a safe topic between the both of us because he is something that we oddly enough have in common. I don't make it a secret that I dislike Kiera, but I have been trying to hide what a strain I feel my own personal distaste putting on our relationship.

Surprisingly, Will was able to offer me a sort of clarity. He listened to me with an intensity that made me blush, and I could tell that he was really trying to put himself in a position where he would be able to help. When finally he had been informed of the entire situation—inclusive of my small aside with her—he just looked at me with those big hazel eyes and sighed. Will pulled me into his chest in an honest hug; something that I hadn't known I had needed. "I understand your difficulty with the situation more than anyone because I feel it, too. But I think that you haven't been considering that this isn't about you. That day feels amplified for us because we lost our baby. That day is personal for us. But for the average person who doesn't know us, that is also a day of tragedy. There was tangible fear roaming free on that day. Yes, her access to Harry was prompted by her being your doctor, but that is where the connection ends. There were so many emotions already running rampant by that point in the day. Imagine how exhausted she must have been, not even three months into her residency. Talking to Harry could have just been that moment when everything clicked for her, when she lost that initial feeling of numbness that doctors get when they have to persevere when everyone else hangs back."

I hadn't thought about it that way, of course. That day injured me in more ways than I can admit, even if I know that they show. So many things that I will never be able to explain happened on that day; some of which I don't even want to try to explain or revisit. Taking my anger out on Kiera is something that I can explain. I can pinpoint the exact moment that my view of her changed. In a time that is so otherwise dominated by internal pain, Kiera was external. More than that, she was there. Every time she bowed her head in front of me and took my civil and caustic blows, I interpreted that as her guilt and acknowledgement of her wrongdoing. I figured that she was treating this as her penance. It had never occurred to me that I was her breaking point, not the causation.

In this particular situation, I was the victim. But I've spent so long reveling in my status as such that I've been able to avoid the pain that other people went through on that day. For so long, I prioritized my own pain and minimized the suffering of others. Guilt manifested in my stomach; a sickness that ruined my mood rather effectively. Of course, I couldn't own such a thing. I couldn't admit that I'd been so horribly wrong about Kiera without testing the information first. So I opted a test run. I told Harry to invite Kiera to my birthday dinner. I weighed the pros and the cons of the situation and ultimately deemed it a risk-free scenario. When he wants to be, Will can be charming and hold conversation with a piece of paper. Harry is so finely tuned to my own emotions that he will know when and if I become uncomfortable and will do everything he can to amend the situation before it becomes intolerable.

And, if all else fails, I am the birthday girl. I make the rules.

Here we sit now, preparing for their arrival. The windows to the apartment are open and there's a warm cross breeze coming in from our elevated floor. I'm sitting on the counter munching on some cheese and crackers that Will had laid out for me while he finished making dinner. Gnocchi with red sauce, he had made one of my favorite meals tonight that also accommodates the vegetarians in the room. In light of everything, Harry allowed me the delayed start on my own vegetarian journey, allowing me until the end of June before he starts enforcing the deal that we had made last year.