Short Stories

I'm Terrified of Deliveries

This is a rant - buckle up. This is the reality of romance cliches' and you're not ready for how much of a disaster my life has become.

So I'm home a lot and there's a lot of deliveries to my house. Most of the deliveries have to be taken to my front door and signed for, which means socialising. 

I, Libby Blake, suddenly became the plot of a romance film. 

There was a new postman, a guy probably around twenty, and we started chatting. I, admit, I looked twice. I did a double take - especially when he removed his helmet and flicked his hair while astride his motorbike. Sue me.

He randomly came to my door in the summer of 2019, in November. It was 36 degrees (very hot and humid in Australia) and it was a catastrophic heat warning for my state because the bushfires were starting to ramp up and becoming something to worry about. 

He didn't have any post for me - he just asked for his water bottle to be filled. So I filled it, we had a brief chat. 

"Stay safe out there!"
"I will, thanks!" 

 And I didn't think anything of it until he popped by a few days later, being the second postman on that particular day to ask for water (the first one had a parcel to deliver and asked; 30 minutes before my one did... coincidence?) My mother answered the door and stayed by the door, to make sure he didn't enter the house, while I filled it up. 

When he left, my mum stayed in the doorway of my room, which overlooks the driveway. She had a weird expression on her face, like she saw the threads of fate and wanted to meddle with them...or she saw my overflowing laundry basket, can't be sure. Anyway, I was at my desk and I ask her what's on her mind, and she replies with this; 

"I don't think he was expecting me at the door..." Mama Blake said with a grin I would describe as devious. "I think he wanted to see you." 

"WHAT?" - Me, panicking, and proceeding to overthink everything. 

I see the Postman after that, quickly dropping off letters and we share smiles, you know... the cliche romantic cheesy stuff that happens in films and books! Then, in December 2019, two days before I go on holiday, the moment happens. It's a Thursday, I'm getting ready to catch up for coffee with a friend, and there's a knock at the door. 

It's him. With no post, just an empty water bottle. I fill it up and as he leaves, I speak. 

"What's your name, by the way?" I say, and then mentally kick myself for socialising, what was I doing and did my voice really just shake?!

He turns around, extends a hand, and introduces himself. We'll call him Han - you'll find out why in a minute. 

WE CHAT FOR FORTY MINUTES. 

I, just, I can't. I'm slamming my head on my desk now thinking about this chat with Han knowing how our little story ends, and how dorky  I was. Well, he was dorky too. 

We started talking about the weather, the extreme summer heat of Australia at the time. We spoke about the sad koalas that were becoming endangered, how his family's property in the vineyards out west was out the way but they were wary. Han also mentioned how he was at University, and also worked at a brewery as well as being a postman. We spoke about more things too, but then he mentioned how he bought a Lego set for himself.

"It's an X-Wing...they're, uh, from the Star Wars films-"

"Mate, I know about X-Wings. I've watched Star Wars!" Jack Garcia-Slater would be so proud of me. Jack's one of my characters from Typhoon & Tempest. 

"You have? Great! Yeah, it's pretty cool! I'm surprised you're not at the cinemas." Han said, and we proceeded to talk about Lego and Mechano and a bunch of other things, and then we realised we'd been chatting for 40 minutes while his bike was still running, and I was meeting my friend in three minutes, and he left. 

Unbeknownst to me, my mum had arrived home from work ten minutes before and was waiting in her car for him to leave. She's the ultimate wing-woman; she once was in the waiting room of my doctors and when I left the appointment I mentioned the guy waiting with us was cute. 

"Oh, his name is Michael. He seems nice, his mother came in and mentioned they live nearby. They recited his number to the receptionist, I accidentally memorised it, did you want it?" - My Secret Agent of a Mother. 

Anyway, Han the Postman goes, and I quickly get ready for my lunch and avoid my mum's big smile. I go for lunch, relay all of this to my friend and we have a laugh about it. 

I come home and there's an envelope at my front door addressed to me. 

In it is a Koala Christmas card, with a flower and a message from Han inside. 

Did I mention he left his phone number? Well he did. I'M STILL NOT OVER IT. 

You're probably wondering what happened next - absolutely nothing. I panicked for two days but then I went on my holiday, couldn't message him for the whole two weeks, and came back in the new year to see he was still my postman, except the deliveries he was giving that were meant to be signed for were just being put by the letterbox. He was avoiding any kind of interaction possible.

So I message him and explain I've been on holiday for a few weeks, and his response was completely apologetic about how unprofessional it was and he's so horrified and sorry and he's brought dishonour to himself, his family and to his cow, he's unfit to lead the Rebellion in the latest star war, and so on and so forth. 

He transferred. It could have been because he felt guilty about giving his number to a customer, or it could have been the knowledge that he drove past my house in a panicked state of driving while being chased by my neighbour's Great Dane and I might have witnessed it....I did and it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. I wheezed for 10 minutes (the dog is home and fine).

I now have a new postman, and each time I hear the motorbike engine I have the huge urge to hide in my house - I'm terrified of deliveries. 

~

That's my rant. I might do more of these in the future, but I thought you'd get a laugh out of this one! This is the reality of a romance trope- a cute guy that turns up at your door and likes you/wants to hang out with you? Well what else could happen other than you completely bugger it up and give yourself a fear of deliveries! Oops?

L x