lynne,
i had the best time of my life with you. sorry for being so shy when we first met... my breath hitched everytime I tried to call you 'noona'. i still wonder why i'm so shy.
i miss you now. if you get this, i'm sorry. i couldn't take the pain anymore. everytime i smile it's like— there's a knife piercing my heart. i was always able to hide the pain of this sting but lynne-- i just can't do it anymore. every single day it became harder and harder.
i was hiding something from you, a secret that i never told anyone.
it's the reason for this relentless pain i feel and the constant stabbing in my heart. when i was alone it was so much worse when i was alone. midnight became my fear and i could never find my way out of the darkness and the misery.
i'm sorry, lynne.
well... i had a family! a beautiful family and it was filled with so many beautiful people, and loud laughter, and playful memories and it was everything a six year old could've wanted. i had everything.
my dad was an accountant and my mother worked from home. i was always with my grandparents and they told me stories of heroic knights and legends. you could say i grew up listening to those stories.
i had so much love around me, lynne. it's something i miss and i heart aches everytime I think of those old stories and the little pecks my mother uses to give me on my forehead after singing me a lullaby. those days were heavenly. i'm smiling now just thinking about my grandmother's homemade bread.
i wish those days would have lasted forever. i wish my mum never got into that car accident and i wish my grandmother didn't pass away because of a heart attack two weeks after that. i wish my dad never left town and separated from the family and then maybe this nightmare would've never started.
dad married again after a year.
new mother, new siblings, new relatives, new home, new school, new people, newly changed father, old me.
the old me who cried to sleep almost every night. it was hard for the eight year old me.
me.
i was the problem though, wasn't i?
i'm not really sure when they sent me to boarding school. they were fed up with me. i heard mom telling dad to send me somewhere to study. just because i didn't smile often, and acted silent and it was still annoying her.
i remember when dad hugged me for the last time. i smiled at him before leaving.
i was the same jerk till i met him. The person who changed my life. my everything.
yoongi hyung.
the person who entered my life so suddenly and the only person to stay with me longer than my mother did.
ten years of beautiful brotherhood.
he was an amazing pianist. he played piano so perfectly. I could say that he, himself, was a picture of perfection. i remember that captivating melody he taught me on piano and the soft smacks he used to give me when i pressed down on the wrong key.
i really miss it. i miss all of it.
he was the only one who helped to pull me out of the darkness. he was the only one who helped me with the pain, the tears and the lack of love. he gave me everything and taught me how to live again-- how to love.
after that i hardly ever cried myself to sleep. it was different but it was comforting. every night the door would crack open and it was yoongi hyung checking if I was alright. two hours later he'd come back again and do the same thing until he was sure I was asleep. sometimes his love and care made me cry even more. i couldn't help but cry seeing him help out a person like me.
