this chapter is short, but its a look into bella's thoughts. enjoy!
After that day, my parents didn't want to talk to me. I understood why, and I couldn't blame them. I did it to myself.
Cheryl ended up staying with me that night. She wouldn't let me sleep until we walked, and I was glad that she was there.
Talking with Cheryl made me realize how quickly I could just drop everything and fall back into the depression I fell into after him. He had this hold over me, like wherever he touched me, the feeling of his hands lingered. After I'd come to my senses and completely sobered up, it terrified me.
I didn't want to feel his touch ghosting around my skin, or the way his cold rings felt when our fingers were laced. I didn't want to feel betrayed by him any longer, I just didn't know what to do. And although I wanted to blame him for my reckless behaviour, it was me who made the decisions that I did. I chose to let myself go, he didn't choose that for me.
The next week was hard, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't struggling. It scared me to no end, the fact that I heard a few words be sung by the man I loved, caused me to go into a downward spiral, back into my old habits. I was better than this; I needed to be better than this.
I managed to scrape by with at least and eighty on most of my exams, not as high as I'd like it but I appreciated the fact that I was able to even do that well considering the circumstances.
Right now, I'm laying in bed, watching snow fall over the university campus. From what I heard it wasn't often that it snowed in California, but when it did people acted like the apocalypse was happening.
My classes for today had been cancelled due to the weather and professors not being able to get to the school on time.
Many people considered the sudden blizzard to be unfortunate, I on the other hand, was completely in love.
It reminded me of home. Somewhere I hadn't been in a very long time.
I missed New York, and the bustling streets of Manhattan. I missed when it rained and I would go on long walks through the streets that never seemed to sleep. No matter how long I was away, I could always feel a pull from New York, telling me to come home.
Going back was hard, after being away for so long.
My parents house reminded me too much of Harry. Like on their first night there when I was completely wasted and crawled into bed next to him, only to realize that he was in my old bed. Or us sitting at the kitchen table, him stealing food off of my plate, no matter how much he had on his.
Driving around the streets, I was constantly being reminded of the things we did. Every beach or restaurant we went to, even the shops we went in when he wanted to buy cheesy souvenirs. Everything in that city reminded me of him, and I hated it.
I wasn't sure if I was going to move back there in four months, when I graduated university and the semester was over. Hell, I wasn't thinking when I applied and didn't even think to check if my degree was going to be valid in New York, I assumed it would be since it was coming from Berkeley, but I never thought to double check.
I watched as the snow fell onto the windowsill, taking in the beautiful scenery from my window, as I was almost positive tomorrow everything would be slush and beginning to melt away.
I imagined what it would be like to be a snowflake, falling effortlessly onto the ground, and sinking into the grass, only to be forgotten.
It sounded quite peaceful, to just disappear without a second thought. I think that's why I so easily gave into seeing Michael again, even though he hurt me so terribly the first time around.
He called me a few times after I left his house a week ago, concerned as to where I went. I blocked his number, not wanting to fall back into my old ways. I only needed him for the drugs, and I realized how selfish I truly was.
I had a loving family and friends, people that cared. I had an entire support system to fall back on, I didn't need his drugs to feel good about myself.
Plus, no matter how badly he hurt me, I'd never want him to feel the emotional pain that I went through with Harry. I couldn't lead Michael on, only because I wanted one thing from him. Besides, I realized that one thing wasn't worth my time anyways.
I spent the rest of the day lazing around my room, thankful that I paid extra to get a room by myself. Spending an extra thousand dollars wasn't ideal, but because of my scholarship I had some wiggle room with the money I saved.
It wasn't long until the sky became darker, and I fell into a dreamless sleep.
