A Heart of Gold

Chapter 27

Floating.

To drift, to hover, to sail.

Suspended; neither up nor down. 

To move along with no resistance.  A sailboat adrift on the dark ocean. 

Not fixed or settled.

Having no attachment.

Nothing to anchor it, to hold it close, to keep it from drifting away.

This is how I feel, like a leaf swirling over people's heads, around the corners of buildings, across an empty field.

My fridge is almost empty, but a trip to the store would require energy that I don't have.  A good run would clear my head, but my legs feel as weak as my heart does.  Some mindless chores might keep my brain from unravelling, but when I realize I've been sweeping the same spot in my kitchen floor for who knows how long, I know it's time to leave.

A few leftovers and a bottle of wine tossed in a tote and I'm ready to go.  I grab my keys from the bowl by the door, but my heart squeezes when my finger drags along its jagged edge.  It is colorful and hand-painted, and it shattered into pieces when Harry flung my keys into it from the couch in a moment of passion a few weeks ago.  He knew it was my favorite so earnestly tried to glue it back together, and now looks like one of my kids' art projects, glue oozed and dried in the cracks.  

The ride along the coast is perfect; the sky is bright and the ocean is calm, but it doesn't soothe me.  My thoughts are like a scratched record, stuck repeating the same miserable lines, locked in this miserable groove, unable to jump this gash and finish the song.

I flinch when my phone rings through my dash.

"Aunty Lynn!  I miss you soooooo much."

Oh, I don't know if I have the strength for this conversation.  "Hiya, sweetie... how are you?" 

"Ugh, not good!  Things were going reallly good with Josh and we went to the movies with a bunch of people and he bought me popcorn, he is soooo cute and anyway he hasn't texted me in soooo long but he posted that he was at the beach with Brayden and some other guys and I heard Emma was there too so I don't even know what is going on... when you get back from the city I neeeed a girls night with you plus my nails are a mess!"

"I'm not in the city."

"Oh, but I saw Harry on The Today Show, and the commercial for Ellen tomorrow."

"Yes, I know."

"Ohmygod Katie texted me freaking out about how hot he looked," she bursts into giggles, "god if only she knew what an annoying dork he is!"

"Mmm," I roll down the window.  I need air.

"Well, a loveable dork, for you... you know what I mean.  I didn't tell her anything about you two, I promise!  Don't be mad."

"No Lina, I'm not mad.  You're fine.  I'm just not doing that great."

"Oooh, I'm sorry!" she coos.  "Is it school stuff?  Is somebody's dad back in jail?  That's so sad.  I want to come see those cuties again soon.  Don't worry, Harry will help you feel better when he gets home."

"Right." 

"So maybe after he's home you can come pick me up?  Mom is also starting to talk about wedding plans, too, and its making me kinda crazy.  Can it be soon?"

Add another reason to feel guilty to my ever-growing pile.  "Sure, honey, I'll call you soon.  Love you."

I turn off the main road and the gravel crunches and pops under my tires as I make my way down the steep path.  The car drags and the tires squeak when I hit the sand.