26 - Lost

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I lost

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I lost.

I truly lost.

The words replay in my mind the entire way to Patrick's apartment.

What am I going to do?

In a daze, I turn the key to let myself in. Patrick is standing in the doorway with Paddy in his arms. My son lets out a squeal, as if happy to see me. A hitch in my throat warns of impending tears.

"What happened?" Patrick's voice is calm, but his eyes are filled with worry.

"What do you think happened? I lost. Everyone lied and I didn't have a leg to stand on without any solid proof." Tears blur my vision. I went about this the wrong way. Instead of fighting a futile battle, I should've negotiated. Compromised. That way, I could've stayed a part of Paddy's life. Now I have nothing.

"What are the next steps?"

Patrick's question causes me to take the baby out of his arms. Every second is precious now. I nuzzle my nose into his fuzzy hair, taking in his scent. He wiggles against my chest before settling down. The warmth his body emits, usually so soothing, cuts through me like a knife. "I have to turn him over to Felix."

"When?"

"Before six tonight." My gaze flicks to the clock on the mantle. It's almost four. This doesn't give me much time. "And then they'll do a mental evaluation to determine if they should terminate my parental rights. I might never see him again." I choke on the words. And if they find I'm mentally unstable, I can forget practicing law. Not that this would matter now. I clutch Paddy closer against me. He seems so fragile, so innocent. I don't want to lose him.

"And that's legal?"

I stare at Patrick with an open mouth. "I just came from court where a judge ruled against me. How much more legal can it get?"

"I dunno. I just thought—"

"Enough." A few tears roll down my cheeks and end up in Paddy's hair. He squirms and wrinkles his little nose.

Patrick walks over and squeezes my shoulder. "What about an appeal?"

I shrug, not even sure if there's enough money left. Appeals a wickedly expensive and can drag out for years.

"You can't let Felix win." Patrick's voice is adamant. "You just can't."

I turn my head to look him straight in the eyes. "He already won. There's nothing more I can do."

"What if you left? With Paddy. Hide until you can get solid proof and then reopen the case. Show the judge that he made a huge mistake."

"I'd be violating a court order. At a minimum, that's contempt of court, and it might even be a crime."

Paddy's fist reaches out, almost as if trying to dry my wet cheeks, and knocks me in the chin. I laugh through my tears. He's so cute when he does that.

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