Flowers for You (DaiSuga Hanahaki)

Split Decision

     After a while, Suga started to lose track of the days. They all started to meld and blend into one mess of pain and melancholy. Every time Daichi introduced Suga as his friend, he felt a piece of his heart sink even deeper. He tried to tell himself it was for the good of the team, but that didn't stop the hurt. Practice practice practice then practices against other teams. Laughing, yelling, crying, screaming, it was all the same. Daichi definitely noticed that it had started to affect Suga during practice and outside of school, but every time he asked Suga just brushed it off and deflected to a different topic. As far as he could tell though, the first-years had kept their promises. Sometimes when he started coughing Hinata or Yamaguchi would shoot him a look, which was appreciated. They kept his secret for him. 

     Suga fell into a new routine. Every night he would wake up coughing up petals and blood. He might vomit more petals too, but those were on his worst nights. His mother tried to convince him on multiple occasions to get the surgery so he wasn't suffering anymore, but Suga was horrified at the thought of losing his feelings for Daichi, even if they were killing him. It was stupid sentimental bullshit, but Suga wouldn't give up his feelings so easily. 

    "Suga." Daichi set a hand on Suga's shoulder. He tensed immediately. "What's happening with you? You've been zoning out during class and practice and you've been missing random days. Whenever you cough you sound like you're suffocating. I even asked the first-years but they didn't give me a straight answer. You told them something, didn't you?"

     "No, I didn't tell them anything." Suga shook his head. It was pounding. He felt sick again. Stupid stupid stupid. I shouldn't have put the burden on them. Stupid and selfish as always. The room was spinning. "I didn't say anything." 

    Daichi looked hurt. He knew Suga was lying. "You know you can tell me anything. It's obvious at this point that you've been hiding something from me. Is it about being sick? There's nothing wrong if you need to take a break for a while. Hell, even Oikawa had to take a break." Suga shook his head again. Daichi bent down so his head was resting against his shoulder. "Come on, just tell me." Suga felt his heart speed up. He's so close. Dammit, Daichi. You're gonna make my heart explode one of these days. 

    "I can't tell you. I know it's selfish of me to make you worry. I apologize." Suga laughed. There wasn't anything to laugh about, though. He wanted to say something, but he wasn't exactly brave. He wanted to spill everything. He hated seeing Daichi's face creased with worry and the glances Hinata or Kageyama would shoot him during practice. It wasn't right. None of it was right. All of this because he wasn't brave enough to confess to his friend. "I'm very sorry. You know how much of a coward I am..." 

     "Just make sure you tell me when you're ready," Daichi murmured. "It's not good to hold on to the things that are bothering you." He squeezed Suga's shoulder and walked off. 

     Goddammit! How cowardly am I? That was my opportunity! Sugawara smacked himself in the face. He felt like screaming but he wouldn't be able to explain it away so easily. It was getting to the point of ridiculous. Maybe he could just hope Hinata or Yamaguchi spilled the beans on him. No, that wouldn't be right to do that to them either. I'm not gonna let my cowardice go that far. It has to be me. 

~~~

    "Sugawara-san!" Hinata yelled. "Wait!" 

     Suga stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to see his herd of first-years charging towards him. Yamaguchi was doubled over trying to catch his breath. "What is it?" 

     "When are you going to tell him?" Kageyama asked. "You look awful. Every single day you look worse and worse and worse. You're getting thinner and it looks like you're not sleeping enough." Of course. It was just like Kageyama to notice those things. 

     "If you get put in the hospital because of this, I'm going to tell Daichi," Hinata stated. 

     "NO! You can't just-" Suga covered his mouth. He didn't mean to shout. He looked at the faces of his underclassmen. They were all worried about him. Selfish. "Please don't."

     "Get the surgery then. If you don't have the courage to tell Daichi, you'd be better off getting the surgery," Tsukishima drawled. 

     "Tsukki!" 

     "What? Objectively, if Sugawara-san isn't brave enough to confess, he should get the surgery. It would make his feelings go away and he could still play for us. It's either that or..."

     "Don't finish that thought," Hinata interjected. "I don't want to think about it." 

     "I don't think I'd get the surgery even if I never confessed," Suga mumbled. "It's stupid and sentimental, but living without feeling love for anyone, even if it's not Daichi, just sounds awful. And I know it's not guaranteed to happen, but that risk just doesn't seem worth it to me. Besides, Michimiya's in this with me. If she confesses then I'll get the surgery." 

     "Then we're going to tell Michimiya!" Hinata turned to go but Tsukishima grabbed him by the collar and hefted him back. 

     "What is it with you and running off all of a sudden?" Tsukishima growled. "If you hadn't stopped so many serves with your face then maybe you'd be able to come up with an actually good idea idiot! I'm the last person who should be telling you this." 

     Suga stared at Tsukishima. He couldn't say he wasn't a little surprised. That kind of response wasn't something he expected from Tsukishima of all people. "Sorry guys. I guess I am more cowardly than Asahi." 

     Kageyama tiled his head. "You're not cowardly. I think it takes a lot of bravery to keep smiling for your team, and that's all you've been doing for us. Even though you're going through all of this you still smile for us. During games and practice matches you're always the first one to say something encouraging or to try and cheer everyone up. I think that's pretty brave too." 

     "Yeah! Daichi always talks about how much he needs you at practice whenever you're not there," Yamaguchi adds. "It's kinda... reassuring whenever you're around. Daichi's a great captain, but he's kinda scary sometimes." 

     Hinata beamed. "So don't say that you're not brave Suga-san!" 

     They're doing this for me. And I can't even promise that I'll be around for nationals. It's gone past selfishness at this point. I'm a horrible person. Tears fell. He felt someone's arm around his shoulders. He broke into a violent fit of coughing with more blood and more white petals and decided that it would be best if he went home. He spent the night trying to get their pained faces out of his mind.