Silence

Twenty-Five

It took Bruce two hours to finish sewing me up and in that time most of the Avengers woke up. Natasha was after Steve and she carried a sleepy Sage into the room. Sage wiggled out of her arms and ran to me. They pointed to my arms and stomach and with my free hand, though with immense pain, I grabbed their hand. "It was just an accident, I'm okay. I promise." They nodded and I leaned up, painfully, kissing them on the forehead. "Go get something to eat my handsome knight." Their eyes shined and they ran into the kitchen. Aunt Nat sat on the side of the couch, putting her hand to my cheek. "An accident? With your arms and stomach?" Her eyes glinted with unshed tears and I sighed. "My head got to me, thought I could handle it. I'm okay Aunt Nat." She shook her head and gave my right shoulder a light squeeze. "No you're not, but that's okay. Sage loves you ya know? Don't make them suffer from losing you because you were too stubborn to get help." I nodded and she kissed my forehead before getting up.

I reached for my phone on the coffee table, misjudged how far away I was from the edge of the couch and I fell. I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut. "Just can't sit still can you?" Bucky muttered coming into the room. "You know me Buck, just itching to get hurt." He narrowed his eyes and picked me up. "You're really doing a number on everyone in this compound. We all love and care for you Pete. Clint, I've never seen him so worried or sad in my time being here and let's face it, that's your fault. He's only in his thirties and you're giving him grey hairs." He grabbed my phone off the coffee table and put it to my chest. "I suggest you shape up or one of these days, no one is going to be here to patch you up when you hurt yourself." He left and tears swam in my eyes. I grabbed the IV pole and pulled out the needles. I gripped the couch and pulled myself up. I needed something to eat if I'm going to heal. Then I need to clean the mess in my room.

I walked into the kitchen, wincing every few steps. "What are you doing up?" Tony asked, pointing his coffee cup at me. Pepper gave me a worried look and I offered a smile. "Getting my shit together." I muttered and reached for a muffin. I felt something pull apart and I bit my lip. I grabbed the muffin and pulled myself up onto the counter. I ate it and looked at my stomach, seeing blotches of blood grow bigger against the bandages. I cursed and reached for another muffin. "Has anyone seen Pe-what are you doing?" Dad questioned coming into the kitchen. "Trying to heal." I puffed out and finished eating my second muffin. "And how's that working for you?" I gave him a hard look and he sighed, walking over and putting his hand on my knees. "You're just going to continue hurting Pete. There's nothing that stops the pain of what happened, it dulls yes, but it's always still there. You self destructing like this, it is no way to go. No way to actually feel better." He handed me a third muffin and I graciously took it from him. "I don't know your plans for today, but I need you to take it easy. No patrolling." He pointed a finger at me and I nodded. "Did you want to hear today's plan?" I asked, seeing his eyes light with interest.

"Well I'm going to go clean my room for one, set up an extra bed. I'm not allowed to sleep alone. Then I'm going to go to Sam's meeting and I have to go to the store. I got the job and need a good camera." Dad grinned and reached up to high five me. I greeted his high five with a grimace and he apologized. "Not your fault." I muttered and dropped down from the counter. "Do you want some help?" He asked and I hesitated. "I don't know if you would want to see it..." I trailed off and he shrugged, putting his arm around my shoulders. "I can't be afraid to see the worst parts of your mind Pete." I sighed and we walked to my room.

I sat on the floor of my bathroom and looked at the mess on the floor. "Pete we can have someone do that." Dad said, leaning on the door frame. "N-No it's okay." I grabbed the pail of soapy hot water and a rag. It's my mess anyway, I should have to clean it. I put the rag to the floor and got to cleaning.

"Hey Pete, you ready for your appointment?" Sam asked and I looked up from the carpeted floor. Around threeish, Dad pushed me out of the house and said he'd finish cleaning up. I stood up and wiped my hands on my jeans. I followed him into his office and he had me sit. "Here." He handed me my dismantled web shooters and a Monster. "Wanna talk about today?" I shrugged and Sam sat in his chair. "How about this, tell me why, despite Bruce strongly advising you to continue laying down, you decided to get up and do stuff. I was all for clearing the Compound for the afternoon to talk to you. You weren't exactly supposed to hop onto that bike of yours and drive ten miles to get here." I played with the leftover web cartridge.

"Bucky..he said I should shape up or I won't have anyone around to fix me." I sighed and grabbed the Monster, drinking a big gulp. "You know he's only trying to intimidate you, get you to see that the path you're on is not a good one." I pointed the can at Sam, "But how much of that is true? Bruce is so tired of having to be woken up because I can't get through one measly night. Aunt Nat is scared to have Sage around me, my own baby sibling can't be trusted around me. Dad is always so afraid to lose me that he never stops to think about himself, ya know he drank more than normal last night? I counted and after six, I lost track." I shook my head and played with the ends of the bandages on my arm. "Then why? Why did you think that it was a good idea to even pull a stunt like that?" I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes. "I was thinking. Trying to find answers to the mystery that is Wade Wilson. Like why did he target me specifically, there are plenty of people that are exactly like me and he wanted me. And then it spiraled. I couldn't look at the scars, knowing that I'd be branded by that psycho for the rest of my life. So I figured, why not make them indistinguishable? Easier for me to look at? I wasn't trying to go as far as I did, I just lost it."

Sam put his elbows on his knees. "Why did you call for me?" I shrugged and looked at him, studying him. "I guess I was trying to admit that I needed help and I felt like it wasn't right for me to ask for it. Felt like I didn't deserve it. I guess I wasn't ready to die and I didn't realize how far I got until I couldn't even see the words past what I had done." Sam sighed and sat up straighter. "You can't expect us to let you fall and then be there to pick you up. You have to know how to pick yourself up. That isn't me saying I won't help you because I will, but you also need to know how to help yourself. The first step to that is, admitting that you need help. To which you just did. Second step, acceptance."