SONDER (IV): tmr thomas

36: I should refer

Ella 36

"Why won't you tell me what is wrong?" her voice is so grand that it takes my sight away from me. I see and hear and smell nothing. I continue to feel though. There is blood inside me, undeniably, that pushes back and forth and back and forth. I am living and I am angry.

Red may have been for Michelle, but I have stolen it from her. That colour belongs to me now.

How could I ever explain to someone who has lived one life linearly the pain of remembering and forgetting and remembering again? My brain has been fractured. Perhaps there are only two people who matter to me, and who have ever mattered to me, but what matters now is comprehensions.

She lacks it.

"Sonya, do you even remember my name?"

I hear a pause. "Are... are you joking? Nobody knows their real name, so... so how could I know yours? You're Emily and Ella. What are you bloody getting about?"

So, she does remember that I am Emily. That surprises me. I had honestly assumed that she wouldn't.

"Do you remember your brother?"

"I... what are you talking about?"

I scratch the back of my neck, my nails digging into my scar. That, I can feel that too. My body is acutely aware of all the places that WICKED has burned me. "Newt's your brother."

"How do you... why didn't you tell me sooner?"

I shrug my shoulders. It was never relevant before now. Besides, I'm sure that if Newt remembered having a sister, he would've assumed it was Dawn (other than the fact that while their accents are both horrendous to hear, they are entirely different).

"Emily, why are you doing this? What are you getting out of being alone? I am here, and I've been trying to understand you for... for years. You're just being difficult to be difficult. You have your right to teen angst, but don't pretend you have a monopoly on it. I'm hurting too. I don't want to hurt alone."

That's too bad. We are all alone.

"Call me Ella," I tell her.

"That's all you have to say?" She demands. "After going on a rant about your real name, you tell me to call you Ella?"

Ella is Eli. That's why. I hate her, but I buried Emily years ago. More than anything, I want the name of the person I was before this (even more than I want Leo's head on a spit).

"I'd prefer not to be referred to at all."

"Fine."I can hear her shuffling, moving about. I don't move. I realize now that I havebeen sitting. Perhaps I've been sitting forever. "I promise I will never referto you again."