Benefits (Damien Haas X Reader)

Chapter 6

The two of you had agreed that you would be there at 7:00 and at 6:50 Damien was still a mess. He had changed his clothes so many times, his bed being a mess of clothes that has been carelessly thrown around while rummaging for the perfect outfit. He had ran his hands through his hair so many times that he was sure it wouldn't lay the same way again. His nerves was enough to send him to overdrive, he called Shayne twice, a mess of babbling words and an explanation of the worst endings that could happen.Shayne knew what Damien was talking about and even though he was sure he wasn't making any sense, Shayne was there to calm him down.

Damien paced the rooms of his apartment, constantly checking the clock hoping time would move faster. Considering checking himself in the mirror again a faint knock could be heard at the door, stumbling over his feet as he ran to her it. When he opens the door, you show him a faint smile, but it doesn't reach your eyes.

There's an air of awkwardness between the two of you, you're used to a routine, a fixed hectic schedule filled with lust and drive, and now that it was gone, you two weren't sure what to replace it with.

Damien can't help but to notice how small you are when you aren't on top of him or below him. Your legs seeming longer when the weren't wrapped around his waist. You were so small, and a smile appeared on his lips as he walked behind you towering over you. He found something sweet in the height difference.

You found a spot somewhere in his living room, awkwardly opting to sit on the floor. He wasn't sure if you've ever been anywhere in his apartment other than his bedroom and the adjoining bathroom. You knew nothing else about the place, nothing else about him, and he was the same way. He didn't know anything about you.

Worry hit Damien's mind as he realized how he failed you. It's been nearly 6 months when you showed up to smosh, he remembered how close you two had gotten, the late night calls you two would share, the messages back and forth and he remembered his promise that he made to you. When he finally got you to open up, he remembered you telling him about your ex, he remembered that he was going to show you the way that you were supposed to be treated, he remembered that he was going to make you feel love, he remembered his promise of helping you know your worth. But you weren't ready, a relationship wasn't something that you needed or wanted right now and he was okay with it, he knew that before he even had to ask, and whatever you two are now is what you two settled for and he would've never thought you would want him.

Damien began to fear he was no better than your once toxic boyfriend, he did no more than show you respect in the bedroom. The more Damien thought, the more he realized that he knew nothing about you. He wanted your everything but he didn't know anything. You two once spent hours on the phone and yet you two never got to know each other, he didn't know your favorite color or flower, he didn't how you ended up at smosh or even if editing videos was what you really wanted to do.

Soon. Is what he kept telling himself, soon, he'd have you, soon he'd get to know you. His heart began to race and his palms were beginning to sweat.

"I think we should end...whatever this is Damien."

Damien nodded a bit too enthusiastically. He wanted to end it too, he wanted to end it and to start something new. He wanted to wake up to you and to give you light butterfly kisses and bring home flowers on random days just because he thought of you. Yes, it was going to end, but something better could be started.

You catch the over-enthusiasm, eyebrow raising trying to figure out what was going on, you didn't know how the boy would react but this wasn't something that he had in mind.

"I'm going to tell you something and I can't have you interrupt me, I can barley do this now and I'm stopped I won't be able to finish."

Your heart was caught in your throat, completely on edge.

" I can't do this anymore."

He started to crumble as he feared this was true end. He wanted to propose his use to you, what he imagine, what could be, but he promised that he would let you finish.

" I need something more, I need someone to hold me at night. Someone to plant kisses on my forehead and to run their fingers through my hair. I need someone who can make me laugh and to bring a smile to my face. I want to be reminded how beautiful I am, someone who would go out of their way to tell me how much I meant to them and to take the time to listen to my dreams, and learn everything about me. When's the last time we've actually talked Damien? . You remember the day you told me you'd help me know my worth, and how that same day that if you were him youwould've given me the world, and yet I've only gotten your bed. I know this wasoriginally my idea, this was something I wanted, but I need more Dames, and Iknow that there's no way back from where we're at now. I have to find someonewho is able to give me what I want, what I need, and I no longer think that'syou.  I don't want to escape a bed at 3 in the morning, to come back to my empty one. I want someone who I could wake up to...someone who could love me. I know you can't give me that, I know it's not something you want. So I need to go...I have to find someone who could give me what I want, what I need. I'm sorry Dames."

Tears ran down your face as you stumble off the floor, running towards the door. Damien was in shock, not being able to move his gaze from the spot that you once sat. Your mind was going 1,000 miles a second, as you opened the door.

How could I be so stupid, he was never mine. You'd never know his gentle touch, you'd never know what it'd be like to wake up next to him. You never knew you could hurt this much. You wouldn't have him in the mornings or late at night, you wouldn't see his smile or hear hear his laugh. You wouldn't know his hopes and dreams, you would never be able to promise him the best of you.

You wouldn't have him and he wouldn't have you.

The click of his front door pulled Damien back from his thoughts, it wasn't a dream, what he heard was real, you did want more, and if he wasn't quick you'd get that from someone else. He ran out the door you just closed to see you closing your car door, tears still streaming down your face.

He ran straight to the window, palm hitting the glass as he tried to get your attention. You jumped as he pulled you out of your thoughts, shaking your head as you couldn't look at him.

Deciding that your heart can't be broken any more that it already had been from walking away from the love of your life, you cracked the window so you could hear what he had to say.

"Y/N I still need to talk to you, please come back inside."

Damien's voice seemed to echo through the air as it was the only thing that you two could focus one.

You knew he couldn't give you what you wanted, what you two had was wonderful but it needed to end. You had conditioned yourself to wake up at the crack of dawn, untangling yourself from his sheets, from him, his arms slung over your bare back, his legs tangled with yours, quietly strong out of the bed that you were so familiar with, carful to not wake him you left once again.

You'd be lying to say you didn't spend some mornings curled up to his embrace for a few moments longer, admiring his sleeping figure, fingers lightly tracing the ridges of his chest before leaving, lingering a bit too long.

You were the one who left the warmth and comfort of his arms, reluctantly finding you scattered clothes and pulling them on, only stopping in the bathroom before leaving.

You were the one who always left, but it was the last thing you wanted.

You'd be lying to yourself if yourself that you didn't care deeply for the boy, sometimes even spraying a small amount of his cologne on your wrist just so you couldn't forget the way he smelt, dreaming about what it'd be like to be able to stay in his embrace. There were days you'd place a light kiss on his forehead, fingers grazing his arm after you pushed back the messy hair that covered his face, placing an extra blanket over him when it was colder.

He looked perfect and peaceful when he was sleeping, the soft sunlight showing a new side to him, a major contrast to the dark shadows that you were used to see on his devious features.

But just as you were doing now, you left. You always did.

You never used to hate mornings, but leaving him to end up alone, realizing that you'll always wake up alone made you realize that you'll never love them again.