Hidden

chapter six

emma's pov

last week's realization led me to think about my tendencies. if it wasn't olivia, and if olivia hadn't been brokenhearted and vulnerable around me, and if we hadn't slept together for literally more than a month, then i would know immediately.

i think it was because it was olivia, who was my close friend, who also happens to be the ex of my other good friend, that i didn't think of my actions as anything more than platonic. 

my last relationship was for a year. it started in 2018 too, and ended in mid-2019. she was not a public profile, and i did not talk about her openly on my youtube channel. i did post her on my instagram and the fans knew about her. it ended because we weren't growing anymore in the way that we wanted to, and it was completely mutual. i remember sleeping over at liv's too, when it happened. ellie was there too, and they had both helped me move on from it. 

i finally decided to lay off of relationships for a good year or two and focus on curating my channel. i also have been focusing on my coffee, and it was honestly one of the greatest things in my life. i had conditioned myself to lay off of things like these that i had passed by my own feelings unknowingly. 

i think i like olivia. 

no. scrap that. i know i like olivia.

and i know that i wouldn't be pursuing these feelings. but it doesn't mean that i would know what to do with it. now that i have realized what that pit in my stomach was all those times, i can't shake off the feelings anymore.

i remember all the times i stared at her, the way i admired her personality, her entire existence, and it keeps hitting back like waves. every time i look back i realize more things that i had not noticed before.

oh god, this sucks. 

i call amanda. 

amanda: hey, what's up?

emma: nothing much. you up for coffee?

amanda: i'm actually out getting one now. do you wanna come out or i get you some? i'm by your neighborhood anyway

emma: i just woke up

amanda: going there it is

amanda arrives about 10 minutes later and brings me coffee from philz. i haven't had philz all week, and being emma chamberlain, that's bonkers.

"i have something to tell you," i say, not bothering to keep it longer, "it's about olivia," 

"i knew it!" amanda screams. okay but what now?

"i think i like her," i say, although amanda's response caught me completely off my fucking guard.

"i knew it i knew it i knew it i knew it!" by now amanda's bouncing off the walls of my apartment, getting all giddy.

"was it that noticeable?" i ask, getting nervous that maybe olivia had noticed. 

"no, not at all! but i saw it, i saw it in the way you look at her and i couldn't believe it! i couldn't believe i was actually right!" 

"calm the fuck down you're scaring declan," i say, half-laughing.

"but what now?" amanda asks me. i have been asking the same question myself, honestly.

"nothing," that's also what i answer to myself. 

"well," i start, "she's my friend. our friend. and as far as i know, she's still not over ellie. and i am in no position to tell her, and that's obvious. in the long run, even if she does end up getting over ellie and even if i still have, at the back of my heart, feelings for her, i won't act on them. plus, this'll go away soon," 

as i said my thoughts i had realized that everything was jumbled up, and amanda knew that too. she understood what i meant, anyway. 

"so you're gonna pull another elisa?" amanda says. this surprises me. 

elisa is one of my off-youtube friends that i had secretly liked. i never got to act on my feelings because she had started liking one of our other friend, and it was obvious that the feeling was mutual. that was back in 2017. i compartmentalized that moment of time in my life so much that i had forgotten that it had happened. oh, to be so vulnerable to feelings. 

"yeah, kinda," i say.

amanda knew it was the right thing to do. i knew too. 

olivia sends a message in our chatroom and we look at each other.

olivia rouyre

i think it's time to talk about it.

 i smile, because i knew i was going to make the right decision.