THE DIVER

PART 12: A SEA OF BLUE

SANEM POV

My days suddenly become filled with preparations.
The knowledge that I was right, and that I'm having a boy, somehow gives me a surge of optimism and connection to the little man growing inside me.
I'm his mama and I feel like I begin to know him. He has an identity and a personality.
First off, his culinary likes and dislikes.
My mum's home cooking, cabbage rolls, bananas and my chocolate chip cookies make him very active, doing his usual bouncing somersaults and acrobatics. He's becoming stronger and I'm sure that his feet push off my sides.
He really enjoys tea. Drinking a glass of chai at my desk, while I work, makes us both happy and I feel a warm glow from him.

What I eat that he doesn't like, is another story.
He really let's me know about those times and I begin to write it in my diary. Spicy food and anything too acidic is off the menu for the time being and my midwife prescribes me a medicine for heartburn and indigestion.

I discover that I'm not able to skip a  meal. He becomes very agitated, continuously poking me, and I imagine he's pacing around growling, 'Feed me!'

"WHAT a hangry boy, you are."

I usually make myself a strawberry and banana milkshake at those times and he seems placated for a while, until it kicks in.
I research easy healthy family meals that I can cook for everyone.
My Mum is still teaching me, so depending on how I'm doing in the kitchen, her voice can raise a few octaves and when she says,
'Ah, Sanem!' in a high pitch, he jumps and I feel a little shudder.
But if I get something right, she strokes my head and pats my shoulder and he reaps the reward of the delicious tasting food and the sounds of my families encouraging words.

On a whim, I buy an Italian cook book and spend a whole week, trying out different sauces and combinations.
There are many times when I think about Can.
As I form mince into meatballs, I'm reminded of the dish he ordered on that first fateful night.
Chopping up onions and red peppers for the tomato based sauce brings  tears to my eyes and my mum wipes them away with the corner of her apron.
She watches me and I smile.
"Sanem, will you ever tell me what happened?"
"I wouldn't know where to begin."
"Was it someone you work with? Do we know him?"
"No, you don't know him, but I did meet him through work."
"Please don't tell me he's married, Sanem."
"No! He's single, but he's living in another country now."
"He's Italian isn't he?"
She gestures at the counter tops.
"All this sudden interest in Italian cooking."
"He's not Italian, but he loves the food, the clothes and the culture. He travels a lot."
"Does he know?"
I shake my head.
"Do you love him?"
"I felt a connection from the very first moment. We bonded over our father's being ill, would you believe? He was kind and fun to be with. Handsome. I made a mistake but that doesn't mean that this little chap will be."

I place my hand on my tummy and my mum hugs me.
"No, he will be the most loved baby boy."

We continue cooking and when I make a carbonara sauce and try it for seasoning, a blob drops into my palm and I stare at it before licking it up into my mouth. This stops me in my tracks and I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and wash my hands, standing with the water running, looking at myself in the mirror.

His perfect face is paramount in my mind and I look down at my palm and remember how his mouth and tongue felt on my skin. How erotic that was.
My stomach tightens up and my insides clench.
Do I love him?
It was more lust, surely.