Enheduanna: The First Author - Wattys Winner 2021

7. River Of Life

Our way back to the palace of governor Lawium was spent in a blur. My vision continually focused on the man leading me through the crowd with ease - the man I thought I knew so well. How can it be that I felt more and more like I never really knew my own father before this day? I never knew he was born an orphan, nor that he lived in slumps of Kish. It felt like I had only ever known the facade of my father. The proud and wise king who was undefeated in battle and in life. But this king suddenly had fears. His insecurities broke his wisdom up, and all these flaws brought me closer to him than I ever thought possible.

It was like looking into that polished golden plate, and for the first time, recognising the face that was staring back. But as soon as the laughter of the guards reached us, the face resumed its unrecognisable facade.

"Welcome back, my King." Idal greeted before his eyes darted to me, "and princess."

"What are you still doing here awake, Idal? You don't have the night watch?" Father said.

"I can not sleep easy until I was sure you returned safely, my king."

"Your concern for my safety is much appreciated, my boy. But you must rest, for tomorrow I have a crucial task for you."

Idal furrowed his brow, his dark eyes filled with confusion as they shot between my father and me. Like we knew the secret. I, however, was as much in the dark as he was. Only my father held the torch of knowledge in this conversation, which he used to shine a little more light on his words. "Idal, you are the best soldier I know and the most loyal I've ever met. Will you put a father's worries at ease by becoming the guardian of my only daughter?"

Idal nodded, his mouth opening and closing without uttering a word. He gripped his spear so tight his knuckles grew pale, and his jaw clenched shut. Perhaps he had not been angry during our bantering in the desert, but he most certainly was now.

And now he was armed.

"Ur holds many enemies who wish nothing more than my downfall," my father continued in a bleak tone. "I shudder to think what they will do to my most precious desert rose once she becomes their High Priestess."

"But my king, a high priestess, is sacred. Harming her would be like harming the gods themselves." Idal pointed out. Father shook his head in sorrow. "Your noble mind can't possibly fathom how wrong you are. There are those who see only a lonely young woman, or even worse, an opportunity for revenge."

Idal snorted, his shoulders squaring up his physique as a thought bow, ready to fire. But the arrow never came. Instead, he pressed his fist to his chest and bowed. "I'll protect the princess with my life. I swear before the holy Enlil that no harm will come to her as long as I am alive."

"I know you, and I trust you will fulfill my last request for which I will be forever grateful. Your guise shall be that of a steward priest."

If the archer's disgust wasn't evident yet, his expression was surely screaming it now. Still, he bowed as a loyal soldier ought to do, never uttering a word of protest to his king while we left. Father led us down a series of hallways to what I presumed were our private quarters. "This task is not what Idal desires," I commented as soon as we were out of earshot.

"Something is rarely desirable until it is made to seem so," father responded. The passing moonlight illuminated a slight smirk.

"I'm not sure I understand."

Father paused at an oak door. "He will do as I commend because serving me meant a better life for him. Now, you must do the same."

"And what if I don't want to do that?" I countered, still feeling agitated from my last conversation with Idal.

"Then, you would be as dunce as a goose for losing the only ally I can give you." With the slam of the oak, he left me alone in this room, illuminated by moonlight. All the information of the day kept spinning in my head. If it was change I asked for, the gods were certainly giving me my fill. And yet none of it seemed enough. Each time I discovered something new, I only wished to explore it further, to dive deeper than I was allowed. But now, as a high priestess, I was allowed to explore.

Staring up at the opening in the ceiling that served as the only source of light, the stars sparkled like diamonds in the sky. What would it be like to step through the gates of heaven and see those stars up close? What would our cities, houses, and our lives look like through the eyes of the all-seeing gods? Closing my eyes, it almost felt like I was floating, rocking on the stars' gentle tide, rising up to meet the moon. Is this what true freedom felt like?

"Holy Nanna, Great God of the Moon, thank you for choosing me. Thank you for making me your En-priestess. I will serve you with all my being. Your will is my desire, and your command is the bread of my soul. Make strong my arms so that I may serve you. Make clear my vision, so that I may see you. And make sharp my mind so that I may know my purpose."

It was but an instance when I reopened my eyes to the light of the rising sun. Wiping the dreams from my eyes, I looked around the room that the governor had arranged for me. It was splendid indeed, large enough to hold an adjacent room, covered by sheer curtains that a servant pushed aside to reveal a freshly filled washbasin. "Would you do me the honor of washing you, my princess?"

With hands numbed by the bracelets I had forgotten to take off last night, I started to take my garment off and eased into the scented oils. The air was redolent with roses and myrrh, soothing my senses as the servant girl's fingers massaged my scalp and oiled my hair. Pleasant as it was, a piece of my heart ached for the smell of jasmine, even as my body was wrapped in folds of flaxen robes, anointed with desert rose perfume.

Even as we made our way to the docks of Kish, my nose seemed to be searching for that warm smell, to the point where I even drowned out the words Lawium spoke to me, until my mother's arm wrapped around my shoulder forcing my attention on the governor. "We are grateful for your hospitality, wise Lawium. We will carry your blessing over to Nanna. May Kish remain in prosper for many years."

Lawium bowed triumphantly before taking his leave. Mother half-led, half-dragged me aboard the vessel, shaped like a crescent moon. "Has Ereshkigal dragged your soul to the underworld? You have been acting as if you were deaf and blind ever since you returned from Inanna's temple."

"My apologies, mother. I've just been preoccupied with so many thoughts."

"What kind of thoughts? Do you doubt priesthood?"

The second question carried a note of hope that fell heavy on my heart. Hearing the tales of my parents made me aware of their thought, if only for a moment. A part of me understood, another was too stubborn to give in. Rationally speaking, it would be better for everyone if I just turned this boat around. My father would no longer worry, my mother wouldn't lose her daughter, and Idal would get to remain in the position he loves so much. All would be happy, all except me. And Nanna, I reminded myself. He chose me. Because of him, I now get to sail this boat down the life-giving river, floating towards his city.

"No, I don't doubt it for a moment. I understand that it will not be an easy task, but you and father made many difficult choices. So, now I must make my own."

Even her smile was bittersweet as her hands reached up to caress my cheek. "You already sound like a high priestess," she whispered in my ear, drawing me closer to her in her warm embrace. "I am so proud of you." 

Her words gave me strength until the figure at the end of the boat caught my attention. Idal watched Kish become a tiny dot on the horizon. He glanced at me over his shoulder, his eyes cold even as he bowed politely. "I hope that you won't mention our little fight to anyone else?" he said.

"On that, we agree. It is best forgotten to the tongue." I said, but I will keep his insolence in mind. Father might trust him with his life, or rather mine, even going so far as to naming Idal my only ally, but I wasn't so sure. Still, he swore to protect my life with his own before the king. That had to count for something, right? How can one tell loyalty apart from deception? If respect is something that one must earn, what about loyalty?