" ... I think that was my problem, I felt everything entirely too deeply. A simple gesture was never simple, it always meant the world to me. Anyone can walk through the door and whisper a soft hello in my ear and I would still hear a loud welcome h...
The hurt hasn't simply disappeared; I think it's just displaced differently than it once was. The first month you left me, it took effort to breathe. Any time I stepped into my room alone surrounded by the scream of silence, I doubled over in pain. My hands shook when you were in the same room. I felt guilty waking up next to someone else, although that's the exact opposite of how I should've felt since you woke up next to the girl you'd later fall for when you claimed to still love me. Time went by in a strange way. Looking back, it went by in a blur, but making it through the days felt something like drowning, or maybe sinking deeper into a feeling that only became worse. The days bled together as if they were all the same. I was in a constant state of pain so nothing seemed different. You were all I could think about. I kept replaying the moment you left me, the last words you said, wondering when I'd pass you on the sidewalk next. I swear my hands never stopped shaking. And then summer came around. You were still around every corner of my mind, but not as often. My nightmares were always because of you. I was still scared to sleep, not just because I was alone, but because I knew you'd appear. But, I did my best to numb the pain. I lost count of the shots I downed or hits I took that'd make my voice crack. I'd wake up next to her, trying to move closer and force myself to feel comfortable, but all I did was shudder and feel cold in the morning's humidity. The thought of you with her haunted me. I spent hours trying to figure out what I did wrong, what she had that I didn't, what she gave you that I never could. Summer ended and rolled into fall. My anxiety increased as I walked on the sidewalks where I used to hold your hand. My heart sank into the pit of my stomach as I passed you. One particular time hurt more than others. You were wearing a grey t-shirt with a teal logo on it with your favorite pair of khakis, your hair down and curly draped over your shoulder how I always liked. It took me back to falling for you. It was two years ago, I stepped in your house and you were sitting on your steps in the same outfit waiting for me. Your cheeks turned that girly shade of pink as your smile brightened and you kissed me. I forgot that feeling you gave me until you passed me, and I almost threw up. As I continued to pass you on sidewalks and make eye contact with you for a moment across living rooms, the pit in my stomach dwindled. I felt better. But I didn't. Maybe I stopped missing what we had, I stopped wishing for answers, I accepted our end as it was. But if all that has happened, and I can sit in the same room as you without shaking hands and doubling over in pain as I did 8 months ago, then I wonder why I still feel the pain. It's not about you anymore. The pain, it's not from you. It's the patterned I realized that you only added to. I only feel more alone, more like I am always left for someone else, that people love me for only so long until one day it's decided they don't. And it terrifies me; it horrifies me to the core. I only continue to feel like I will never be able to give my heart to someone else. It's the cliché you see in every movie, hear in every song, and read in every poem, and I thought I understood it until I realized I am in the center of it all. I didn't chose to love her, but I fell so suddenly I couldn't pick myself back up, I didn't even bother trying. She didn't erase the pain that you left me with, but her 'I love you's' sounded a whole lot better than you telling me you couldn't do this anymore. The pain lessened, the future of her and I seemed real for the first time. Yet just as fast as it happened, she seemed to leave even faster. Someone else was chosen over me, she gave her what I couldn't. She has something I will never hold, that first love thing that you gave me. My heart broke all over again before it was even put back together. And here I am, being hurt in such a different way than I was on that Wednesday in March where I walked out your door. Yet the hurt is only deeper, and it seems to becoming permanent. It's poisoning my chest, my heart, my mind; the hurt just digs deeper into my soul. It's not the winter that's making me cold anymore; it'sthe pain thatjustwon't stop.
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