I Built This Home For Me, For You

Chapter 19

They were a week into the new year, and in some ways things had been better, but in others, it was almost unbearable. The girls were still off for a few days, so they'd spent them together as a family, usually just the four of them, but sometimes with Sofi, Maggie and Carter, or Clara – Sinu had gone back to Palm Bay two days after the new year to be with her patients – and it had been great. Even Daisy was less brooding than normal as they went bowling, or to the cinema and the arcade, out for pizza and ice skating, and whatever else the girls wanted to do. It was fun, and it eased some of Lauren's stress and pain to laugh as Lily tripped on the ice and dragged Camila down with her, or when Daisy's bowling was so pitiful that she had to have the bumpers up to stop getting gutterballs. It made her feel closer to them, and she felt some relief at the fact that no one was slipping away from her. It didn't matter that her little girls were growing up, because they were still there, bickering over who got the last slice of pie or got to pick the next movie. Camila still hadn't told them, and Lauren didn't broach the topic, knowing that Camila wasn't ready yet, which was okay. She was still in therapy, which the girls didn't know about yet, and some of the tension seemed to fade as she followed through with her promise to be more open in the new year.

            Lauren tried to be more open for her sake too, but one week in and she was struggling. In the moments where they weren't having fun as a family, and the girls went back to school, she was cooped up at home, with just her and her mom, and it was surprising how suffocating a mansion could be. She took up jogging instead, taking Artemis for runs every day while her lungs burned and muscles ached, but the cold air hit her like a slap in the face, bringing her back to the reality of the situation. It was the only time she had alone to evaluate things, and it was surprisingly helpful to be outside, with the sharp coldness helping to clear her head. It didn't stop her from snapping at Clara all the time though, regressing back into the patterns that she'd followed as a teenager. Every comment from her mom was met with a snarky answer, a biting tone, or her own words, unnecessarily harsh, and Clara didn't take it from Lauren, giving is straight back to her. It was like being a kid again, and Lauren regretted asking her mom to come and live with them with every argument they had, and she knew that this all fell on her. She and Clara had rarely fought over the last twenty years – not seriously – and they wouldn't have fought so much now if Lauren wasn't in such a bad mood all the time. She couldn't help herself though, because it stemmed from the overwhelming feeling of panic whenever she looked at her mom, feeling like she was on the verge of tears at any given moment, and when they weren't fighting, Lauren couldn't help but pull away from her mom. It was self-preservation, she told herself, a way for it to not hurt as much if she put distance between them both, like they used to have. It didn't work.

            As Saturday rolled around, her mood worsened slightly, but there was a spark of hopefulness as she knocked on Daisy's bedroom door at six thirty, opening it slightly and poking her head in. "Dais, wake up, sweetie," Lauren said, her voice carrying slightly as her volume rose. She should've known that wouldn't work, and her daughter slept on, oblivious to the fact that Lauren was standing there.

            Creeping further inside, she walked over to the bed, trying not to trip over anything in the dark, as the light from the hallway cut a narrow beam of light across the bedroom floor. Reaching out, Lauren gently shook her daughter's shoulder, staring down at the peaceful childish face and the long dark hair spilling around it on the pillows, but Daisy didn't do anything except make a sound of protest. Smiling slightly to herself, Lauren shook her a little more roughly, until eyelids slowly fluttered open, and a frown graced Daisy's face as she took in the darkness. "What time is it?" she grumbled, rolling over and burrowing deeper under the blankets.

            "Six thirty," Lauren quietly replied, reaching out to stroke her hair, "You've got your first day of cadets. You have to be there at eight, remember."