Broken but Okay

Now

"Open this door right now" he says as I try my hardest to act like I'm not home.

I have tried to avoid him at school no matter where I have to go to not see him. I don't know what else to do, I don't want to be hurt anymore but I also don't have the courage to break up with him.

He was always so sweet before, but now I can't do anything with being afraid of him punishing me for my actions. I can't see any of my friends, if they still are my friends. I have been away from them for so long that I can't imagine that they haven't replaced me. I've spent all my time with him because I have to, not because I want to. But they don't understand, at first I slowly drifted away but then he didn't want me to talk, see, or have any contact with them and of course because he could hurt me I gave in.

Why does he have so much control over me? Why do I let him control me? Ever since he started abusing me I have felt helpless and stupid for getting myself in this position, I never saw any signs of him being this way before we started dating.

The worst part is that whenever I do what he tells me to, he seems to like the control he has and has a smug grin on his face that makes me afraid I will never get out of his grasp.

Back to now, and the horror I have to face when I open the door, because if I don't I'm scared of what will happen when he gets a hold of me.

I finally open it after hearing the doorbell ring at least 20 times, he was getting impatient and it was definitely evident on his face. He immediately comes close to me, I never know if he's going to hit me or hug me so I stand there and wait for my future.

It turns out to be a hug, surprised I tense up. He senses it and looks at me still holding my arms.

"What I can't hug you?" I don't know what to say, but before he gets mad I say "Of course" and smile a small smile, but it was fake and I hoped he didn't notice.

"I've missed you around school, it seems like you're avoiding me lately."
I nonchalantly say "No, just busy with my classes" but inside I'm shaking, afraid that he'll see right through me the way he usually does. Before he can I look down and walk towards the kitchen to get some food. By then I realize my mistake but he's already steaming.

"Don't walk away from me!"

I immediately apologize saying "I'm s-sorry I was j-just getting some food." Sounding stupid and weak stuttering the way I was.

"You're just making excuses, you don't want to be around me, you don't want me to touch you for even a second, you are repulsed by me."

"No! No of course not! Will please don't do this..."

"Do what? Finally see the truth in your actions?"

"Will please, we have been dating for almost a year, you know me and you know my feelings for you."

"Do I, do I really? "

"Yes, you know I like you a lot." Even though I know that's not true I say it anyway.

"Not love any more? You always say love."

"Well you never say it, so..."

"What so then you shouldn't say it?"

"I don't see the point if it isn't returned." I know I am taking a risk by saying these things, but I know I need to.

"If you don't love me anymore maybe this should be over."

"Maybe..." And almost directly afterward I feel a sharp pain in my cheek. I know that feeling, I'm not surprised.

"Then I guess this is over." He walks to the door, opens it, slams it, gets in his car and leaves.

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding, feeling a sense of relief. Finally I think to myself, but I know in the back of my mind that it isn't really over.

My mom came home from work at 6:30, while the incident happened around 3:00. I had done my homework before she came and the time difference was a safe distance from each other, so that I could cry until I didn't have any tears left and fix myself to look presentable enough to eat dinner.

I don't even really know why I cried, maybe because something that was such a big part of my life was done. I was very glad that it was though.

My mom didn't notice anything different, sometimes I feel like she's in her own little world. It's not that she is a bad mom, but she just doesn't always pay attention to the details of my life. She asks how my day went and me not wanting to explain about the events that went down I say okay.

Her work doesn't stop when she comes home from work, she still has papers to file and people to call. She's a realtor so I don't blame her for always being busy. With the rough economy it's hard to sell houses and juggle everything else, including me. With that said I usually end up cooking and cleaning because I come home earlier from high school.

When she excused herself from the table and asked me to do the dishes I reply with an okay and wash, dry, and put them away. It's only 9:00 but I'm exhausted from everything that happened today, so I decide to get a good nights sleep for once without being interrupted by a bang at the window or waking up in the middle of the night to find multiple calls from Will.

When I wake up I feel refreshed and ready to start the day, again for once. I used to dread waking up, wanting to stay in bed all day jut so that I wouldn't have to see him. It's completely different now I think to myself, without him to complicate things I can really live my life. Oh who am I kidding, he left a huge scar on me and what, I can just forget about everything and act like it didn't happen? I just want to feel loved, whole, and appreciated again.

At school I still go the same route to escape seeing him at all just in case he changed his mind. At lunch I try talking to some old friends but they seem reserved and occupied by the other things that has been going on while I wasn't around.

I wish I could go back to a year ago and completely change my choice to have any association with him. I have myself to blame for that though, and I hope no one makes the same mistake. No one deserves the way I was treated even if they are a bad person, no one should feel that way ever.

It's Friday so I will make a bigger effort to make amends with my friends next week, a brand new start.

I sadly still have to wear long sleeve shirts and jeans to cover all the marks he made on me. I feel self conscious about my body and my appearance because he always commented in a degrading way like "That shirt barely covers your stomach, you look like a slut. Go change now." So I started wearing clothes that covered and didn't show any part of my body in a potentially sexy way.

With all the things he put me through, I don't know if I can see any guy in a romantic way again. I'm afraid all guys will treat be that way because they know they can. The only way I got out was because he had ended things, not me.