SEVENTEEN IMAGINES

SEUNGCHEOL

A bit sad, I was listening to I Don't Love You by Urban Zakapa

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"Even when I see you shedding tears

My heart doesn't ache anymore

I don't love you"

     I was walking down the dark streets illuminated by the street lights alongside my boyfriend. He was finished with practice, so I met him outside and we would walk together. This was a regular occurrence. He would drop me off at my apartment building, usually even taking me up to my apartment, before he goes to his own dorm.

     He cares a lot about me. He cares about his members. He's very caring and people say I'm lucky to have him. Yes, I was lucky to have someone as kind and thoughtful as Seungcheol. I loved him. Or, I thought I did.

     I still wonder why I said yes to him. Maybe it was in that moment, when I mistook my admiration for him as something more. But the way he stumbled over his words, the way he bit his lip while he waited for my answer. That day, although it was now almost four months ago, was engraved into my mind. There's something in the way his eyes lit up and his smile became bigger when I said yes. There was something then that made me wish I loved him.

     Yes, I feel guilty. Because from the moment he asked me, he was going to get hurt in the end. But something in the way he held my hands, something in his gaze when he watched me, I wished he would never have asked. I was hurting him. From my love life before, no matter what, he was always there. He would be the one to comfort me and make me happy. He was there wiping my tears when I couldn't wipe them away myself.

     He loved me when I didn't even love myself. But I wish he didn't. I was the oldest of three in my family, the oldest sister. I always wanted a big brother, who would protect me and care about me unconditionally. Seungcheol became that for me. He was the big brother I never had. He was the one who always protected me, always watched out for me. I saw him as family.

     But he felt more towards me. I knew it for the longest time. As I watched him fall deeper and deeper, I wished he would stop himself. But I knew those feelings well. They're not feelings you can make go away so easily. It wasn't his fault. But as I keep leading him on, I keep setting his heart up to be broken.

     I didn't want to hurt him, really. I never wanted to be in this situation. I became someone I never wanted to be. As he stared at me with love, I could never return his stare. I didn't love him. And my heart never ached when I told him I did. My heart wouldn't break when I lied to his face, returned his kisses, or even held his hand.

     I was going to break up with him sooner or later. He would hurt sooner or later. I knew it would be better sooner, but I never did. And now months have passed and it would only hurt more and more every chance I didn't take to tell him.

     "Y/N?" I looked up at him as he interrupted my thoughts. "Yeah?" He looked back in front of us and I did the same. "You seem to have a lot on your mind. Did you even hear anything  said?" I wish he didn't have to go through this. "Yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to space out for so long." He sighed as we turned the corner, so now we could see my apartment complex. "Do you want to talk about it?"

     I should've taken the chance. "No, it's just work stuff. I'll pay attention now. What were you saying?" He told me how funny Joshua was being during practice. I laughed along with him. It never hurt to hear anyone's name more than it hurt to hear Joshua's. When Seungcheol would tell me about Joshua, that's when I felt the most guilty.

     The one I was supposed to love, talking about the one person I still love. But Joshua is in my past. My feelings for him were gone, but those feelings weren't there for Seungcheol. But he didn't know that. After I realized I didn't love Seungcheol, I hoped I would fall for him as time went on. But I didn't.

     We entered the building and he pushed the button to go up at the elevator. While we waited, I felt him let go of my hand. I looked up at him as he shifted to put his arm around me. I wanted to break the silence but the bell for the elevator rang instead. We stepped inside silently and went up to my apartment.

     He stopped with my in front of my door. I was going to say good night when he pulled me into a hug. With out heights, my head could rest comfortable on his shoulder as he caressed my head. I wrapped my arms around his torso and I was going to let go when he spoke. "Let's just stay like this for a bit."

     "Okay." I stayed as still as I could. I could hear his heart beat steadily and it gave me some comfort. "Sorry," he let go of me, "I just missed you so much today." I took out my keys as he spoke. "Today? Only?" He laughed, "Yeah, I don't know why. I missed you more today than I did yesterday before I saw you." I nodded.

     "You should go before it gets too late. Rest well, Cheol." He nodded and he came closer to kiss my forehead. His hands cupped my face as he pulled away. "I love you, Y/N." I smiled up at him. "I love you too."