𝐭𝐦𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬

𝐋𝐞𝐨 𝐱 𝐒𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 (𝐒𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐟𝐢𝐜)

Requested by @maomaofan

Title: i love you

TW: Mentions of suicide

~It's not true.
Tell me I've been lied to. 
Crying isn't like you.
What the hell did I do?
Never been the type to,
let someone see right through.~

Leo knew I had depression, he knew. He knew I'd attempted suicide before. He knew I was fragile. So why would he...

Why?

Yes, Leo knew I had a habit of hiding my emotions- and he got onto me for it a lot- but, it was that mental shoving and pulling that gave me the knowledge that he still cared. Him telling me he cared and to stop faking everything was what kept me going. The only thing.

Until it stopped.

Because of her. April. It always her. If anything bad happens between anyone, it's usually her fault. That's just who she is.

I thought we were friends, I thought she cared, and I thought she would never do anything like that. I thought stuff like this only happened in the movies.

I was wrong. But, the movies got one thing right.

I didn't stick around to see what his excuse was.

~Maybe won't you take it back,
say you were tryna make me laugh. 
Nothing has to change today,
you didn't mean to say "I love you".
I love you, and I don't want to.~

Walking into the lair, I smiled slightly as I saw Mikey and Raph waiting for me at the entrance. Greeting them, I tried escaping around their giant forms to find my boyfriend and their nerdy brother.

I didn't notice April's jacket tossed on the couch beside us.

They tried distracting me by talking about games and Spike, but then Donnie walked in. He seemed upset. Really upset. Pushing his brothers aside, he grabbed my arm and started pulling me towards the dojo. Raph and Mikey didn't follow.

I wanted to ask why he was so upset, why I was being pulled to the back corner of the dojo as Donnie shushed me quietly. He pulled me right up to the edge of the tree in the corner of the room and motioned for me to listen.

I only heard three words, and I immediately knew who said them and who they were for. It hurt because I knew it wasn't me. But it was Leo who'd said them. And April returned them.

I left. I didn't try to be quiet. Donnie didn't try to follow me. He cried silently as he slid down the tree, his legs giving out on him.

I didn't see Leo reach out for me, April grabbing onto his arm to pull him back behind the tree. It was what I heard that echoed in my mind, over in over again, each time like a bullet through my body.

"I love you."

~Up all night, on another red eye.
I wish we never learned to fly.
Maybe we should just try, to tell ourselves a good lie. 
I didn't mean to make you cry.~

He knew her longer, sure. But, wasn't it me he loved? Wasn't it? Just because you've known someone for a while doesn't mean they're your soulmate. Leo and I were supposed to be soulmates. Were being the catch.

Now, I didn't know what to do. I'd always thought Leo and I would be together, well, forever. But now I was confused. I couldn't even imagine how Donnie was feeling.

At least I didn't live with April.

But how long had it been going on? How many times had Leo told her he loved her? How many times had she said it back? Leo had never told me he loved me before, just that he cared.

Even then, it was tense and strained. When he said it to April, it was carefree and sounded of beauty and well...love.

~Maybe won't you take it back,
say you were tryna make me laugh. 
Nothing has to change today,
you didn't mean to say, "I love you."
I love you, and I don't want to.~

Maybe it was a joke. Yeah, that's what it was. A joke. If he told me it was a joke everything would be okay, right? Right. No.

It wasn't a joke. I needed to stop looking for excuses to go back to him when he obviously didn't want me. If he did, he had a weird way of showing it.

I found my mom's wine cabinet earlier. She had it locked but it wasn't too hard to find the key. There were thirteen bottles in the small space. Don't ask why I counted. But, when I was done and finally closed the door, there were seven bottles left. I grabbed another as I walked up to the rooftop.

I felt like drinking on the roof and contemplating where I was in life. It didn't take me long to figure it out.

Lost. I was lost.

I'd always been lost. It's like I was trapped in a dark room looking for a key without light. Then, Leo came, but he wasn't my light. He was a distraction. Talking to me while I searched for the key, alone. It wasn't that bad knowing I wasn't alone in the dark room. Someone else was trapped with me, relying on me to find the way out. I was wrong. He got bored. He got tired of waiting for me to find the key, so he found his own way out, through a door someone else opened for him. But, it slammed shut before I could notice he was gone. And I was still trapped in the dark.

~That smile you gave me, even when you felt like dying.~ 

I took another swig and dropped the bottle, hearing a distant crash as I stood up and walked over to the edge of the building I stood on. I swayed heavily, giggling as I pondered.

I couldn't imagine myself waking up tomorrow. I couldn't imagine myself going to the lair tomorrow. I couldn't imagine myself hugging Leo.

I couldn't imagine him telling me he loved me.

Knowing what I was going to do, I turned up to the moon and smiled. Screaming three words as I jerked forward, I laughed in delight.

I had finally said those words. The words that had never been said to me by choice before. Sure, people had told me they loved me before, but it was family.

It was like they had an obligation to say they loved you, they adored you. Because well, they were a part of you. But, if someone you're not related to, someone you're not connected to tells you they love you, that starts the creation of a different bond. One not created because of a mutual love, but because of a choice of love.

And that's what hurts.

Because at any moment, the ones that don't have an obligation to love you, could stop. And there's nothing you can do about it.

But that doesn't mean your love for them ever goes away, no. There's always a part of you that will love them forever, even if you don't want to. But, you do.

"I love you."

~We fall apart as it gets dark,
I'm in your arms in Central Park. 
There's nothing you can do or say, 
I can't escape the way I love you.
I don't want to, but I love you.~

++++++++++
I'm really proud of this and for copyright reasons I'm obliged to say that everything written in this chapter was thought-out by me. I didn't copy any other works or quotes.

Thank you sm for reading and I love every single one of you. Honestly, I cried writing this because I listened to the song as I wrote and it just set me off. I had to put my phone down and just...cry.

Anyways, request and know that you are loved, by if no one else, me and the Man Upstairs.

i hope this is right i quit editing halfway thru i couldn't do it