Sapling

the truth

Loren: I don't even know where to start.
[Loren and Novica are sitting at the kitchen table, the chocolate bar between them. Loren has a pained look on her face.]
Novica: At the beginning? That's where stories usually start, ain't it?
Loren: Yeah, but I dunno where the beginning is.
Novica: The moment things started happening what I didn't know about. That's the moment you gotta start with.
Loren: So, the moment I first met him, I guess...
Novica: Who's "him"?
Loren: All in good time, Novie. Ya know we both went to school for a while? It started, I dunno, ten years ago when I was eight and you were two. And then we stopped two years ago, and I started giving you education right here.
Novica: I remember. It wasn't that long ago. And it was weird. One day every week, we had to get up really early and you dragged me onto a bus and we got split up into different classes, and they taught us stuff and hit your knuckles with a ruler if you did somthing wrong. I didn't enjoy it. Did you, Lorie?
Loren: No, not 'til 'bout two years ago.
Novica: What happened two years ago?
Loren: That's what I'm 'bout to tell you. And it all started at school. You happy to let me talk for a while?
Novica: Yup.
Loren: No interruptions?
Novica: I can't promise that, but yeah, Lorie, I'll try.
Loren: That's all I'm asking for. Ok. So. One day I walked into school as usual and there was a new person in our class, what didn't happen often. So there was a bit of a buzz throughout the day.
Novica: Boy or girl?
Loren: Huh?
Novica: The new person, was it a boy or a girl?
Loren: Boy. Can I go on?
Novica: Yup.
Loren: Well, he was real quiet, didn't say much, got his knuckles hit once for turning up late to a lesson. He didn't yelp when teacher hit him, just stayed super quiet, which made teacher even more angry so she hit him again. He didn't even flinch.
After the lesson I went up to him and asked him if he was ok, and what his name was cuz he hadn't told us. He mumbled something 'bout how it hadn't hurt that much and said his name was Edwerd, but I could call him Werd. But he didn't seem to want to talk to me so I didn't push him, instead just walked away.
Anyways, the next week teacher walked into the classroom crying, actually crying. None of us'd ever seen her cry so we got super spooked. Someone cried out and she hit his knuckles which also stopped her crying. After that the day went like normal.
'Cept the whole day teacher watched Werd with a mean expression on her face. And he was late to lessons twice but she didn't hit his knuckles, just scowled at him and said nothing. After the lesson I asked him why teacher suddenly hated him so much, and he said his mamling and papling didn't like the way teacher hit his knuckles on the first day.
"'S that why she was crying?" I asked.
"They sent a man in a dark suit to school with me this morning," he told me. "We got to school early and he asked to borrow the teacher, who willingly went with him. I had to follow. The man said it would be my first taste of revenge. And with that the man got out a metal ruler-not like the wooden one she uses but sharper, harder-and he hit her knuckles with it, not just once or twice, but twenty times. I know because I counted every time she squealed, and after it was done the man said, don't that feel sweet? And I thought, no, it doesn't feel sweet at all."
I remember his exact words cuz it was first time he trusted me with the truth, first time he properly looked at me and talked to me. "Did your mamling and papling ask the man to do that, d'you think?" I whispered.
"I know they did," Werd answered. "Besides, it's the sort of thing they would do." And then he walked off, and the next week I got to school real early, and sure enough there was Werd, but there wasn't a man with him.
"Where's the man?" I asked him.
"He didn't come today. I think his business here is done, and I hope never to see him again. Whatever revenge is, it isn't sweet. Every time he hit the teacher last week I got a flash of pain inside of myself."
"Like empathy. Like you feel what she feels." Then Werd looked at me, really looked at me.
"Yes," he said quietly. "That is exactly how it felt." He didn't smile, cuz it wasn't the time or place to smile, but he did take my hand and squeeze it. And then I had to trust my instinct and say a very brave thing, what was probably rude but I had to say it.
I kept hold of his hand. "Are your mamling and papling horrible people, Werd?"
Immediately he looked pained. "I'm not supposed to talk about them to anyone," he told me, wincing. "But yes, you could say that. They like to control things. Luckily 'things' doesn't extend to their son. But it does extend to everything else, and there's a point when too much control is equal to destruction."
I looked at him sideways. "Ain't it meant to be 'sonling'?"
Werd started. "Yes, my most sincere apologies, it is. But most words sound better when you take the ling out of them." And then the bell rang and we couldn't say no more to each other. We both came in late and teacher hit my knuckles but not Werd's. He looked at me sadly cuz my skin is delicate and it cracks, so the ruler cut my hand and there was a little line of blood there.
We kept talking to each other, every week, first thing in the morning and after school. It wasn't usually 'bout nothing much. I didn't find out nothing more 'bout him. And we never spoke 'bout his mamling and papling, nor the man in the black suit neither.
One day after school Werd walked over to me and asked if I wanted to walk out into town. I was damn surprised, and worried 'bout you, Novie. But I said yes so off we walked. Werd didn't seem so worried to talk now we were outta school. He asked me 'bout my mamling and papling, so I told him they were dead, so he asked if I had siblings and then 'course I had to tell him 'bout you, Novie, how we were meant to be identical twins but cuz you were so disfigured at birth we ain't.
And he asked me why I hadn't never told him none of this, and I said maybe I didn't full trust him. He just nodded, didn't seem offended at all, and I half expected him to tell me all 'bout his family but he didn't. I remembered what he'd told me, that he wasn't meant to talk 'bout them to no one. But I thought, now we were friends... there couldn't be no harm in it, could there? So I asked. I leaned against him cuz he was warm and it was cold, but mostly cuz I so wanted him to trust me, didn't know why, just wanted it.
And he said, "I want to tell you, Loren, I really do. But if I told you I would lose my only friend in this godforsaken place. I'm sorry but I can't risk it."
"Who's your only friend?"
Werd looked at me all funny. "Who do you think? It's you." Then he looked at how I was leaning against him, looked at how my eyelids were fluttering, almost closed, but looked at my expression most of all. "Do you have feelings for me, Loren?" he asked, real soft.
I looked up at that. "Is that why I feel so warm when I'm by you?" I said for an answer. When he didn't reply I continued. "I've never loved a thing in my life 'cept my mamling, papling and Novica. And I don't love none of 'em like I love you."
Werd sighed. "I haven't loved a thing in my life. I don't love my mother and father." He stopped when he saw the look on my face. "My mamling and papling, that is," he added. "They cannot be loved. So loving you is, well, it's..." He broke off. "It's almost magical."
Then Werd did something I didn't expect. I didn't even think I wanted it at the time. He kissed me on the cheek. That was when we parted. I could feel his saliva still on my cheek all the way home, and I didn't wipe it off. I couldn't, Novie. I came home to you and you threw one of your tantrums cuz I wasn't paying much attention to you. Too focused on Werd, I guess. I just couldn't stop thinking 'bout him.
We started seeing each other way more often after that. We'd walk around Ling after school almost every week. I don't know if you remember, Novie, how for a while I was always getting home real late?
Novica: I dunno. I don't really remember.
Loren: No. I guess you wouldn't. Cuz at the time you were ten and didn't have a clue 'bout what I was going through. I did ask Werd, more 'n once, if he wanted to come to our house and meet you but he seemed reluctant, I dunno why. He never invited me round his house, seemed content with our walks in town.
We got laughed at at school cuz people started catching on. They called us boyfriend and girlfriend. I know Werd didn't like it cuz whenever people said it he clenched his fists but didn't say a thing, and you couldn't tell from his face that he minded. But I think the fifth time it happened, I slapped the boy who said it.
I don't even remember it clearly. It all happened it a rush of adrenaline and then all of a sudden he was reeling back with a red mark flaming on his cheek. And d'you know what I said? I said, "If you hurt his feelings ever again I will beat you 'til you wish you were dead." I didn't mean it, of course. I don't even think I'm capable of such a thing. But the boy gave a shaky nod and the boyfriend and girlfriend comments stopped abruptly. Afterwards Werd looked at me with a new kinda admiration in his eyes, said I looked so beautiful just then. "It's the passion blooming in your face," is what he told me.
It must've been only a week after that everything went very downhill. The next day, cuz we didn't have school but were so desperate to see each other, we arranged to meet up in the park. I left you in the house doing homework, Novie. Said I was heading out to do some extra foodshopping.
We kissed on the lips, underneath a tree. It was raining. The sun was shining when we met up, then we walked round the park a bit in silence and all of a sudden it started raining. Werd said the heavens were crying, and we'd better get under cover cuz tears from heaven are big and wet. Which is too true, I thought. We got under the nearest tree and looked into each others' eyes and listened to the rain pitter-pattering around us.
And then, with barely any warning, we kissed. I'd heard first kisses are often messy and your tongues touch and start mixing together 'til you dunno which is yours. But Werd and I kept it tidy, our tongues didn't touch once. But I could feel his lips under mine and for a second we seemed to become one person, one body. And just like that it was over, and we sat under the tree holding hands and waited for the rain to ease off. I wasn't wearing a coat but I didn't feel cold, not one bit, not when he was next to me.
In a rush of feeling for him I asked if he wanted to go with me to the wilderness in few days. He said yes without even hesitating. Then all I had to do was come up with an excuse that you'd believe, Novie, cuz I couldn't have you thinking that I was going to the wilderness without you.
Novica: You lied to me?
Loren: I had to. I couldn't bring you with me, so it was better to have you believe I was just running some boring errand. I showed you where you could get yourself food, gave you games to play, and put your homework in a pile to complete before I got back. You were very good about it. It made me feel guilty for lying to you.
To my surprise, Werd could drive-he just didn't very often, cuz he didn't have a car. But he'd managed to get hold of one cuz there was no way we were gonna walk to the wilderness. I packed sleeping bags, food, entertainment, everything I thought we'd need. Werd stole his papling's car and drove over here to pick me up. He got a glimpse of you, Novie, though the window, dutifully doing your homework.
He looked at me and smiled. "She doesn't look like she's got behaviour problems to me." I told him you were getting better every day, and he nodded, and we drove off.
I'd never been in a car. At first it made me feel kinda sick, cuz we were bumping around all over the place, but soon I got used to it and just watched in awe how the whole city was flashing by. I'd never been so fast in my life. And I watched Werd, watched his gentle twists of the steering wheel what took us round corners and his hand on the gearstick and his feet on the pedal. He had to concentrate on the driving and couldn't look at me, but every so often he did talk.
He asked me why I wanted to go to the wilderness. So I told him 'bout the nothing don't matter feeling, told him 'bout when I'd come with papling, and the waterslide with you, Novie. And he said he wished he could have that feeling, cuz things mattered a lot to him and sometimes it could be overwhelming. But they don't need to matter, is what I told him. What matters most is you and me.
We are not things. We are people with feelings, feelings that can get in the way, sure, but feelings that essentially benefit us cuz without them we could not love. That's what I told him, and though his eyes were on the road his heart was far away, and he said, "You and me have feelings, Loren, that's true enough. But feelings wear off. My mamling and papling lost their feelings long ago. That's why it did not pain them at all to hurt the teacher."
"How come?" I said. "How could that not affect them in any way? Are they psychopaths?"
Werd took his eyes off the road one moment to look at me. "There is no such thing as a psychopath. Hurting others cannot bring one joy, but it does not always bring one pain." He looked away again. "My mamling's own mamling abandoned her when she was three. On the streets. For a while she lived there, with other street childerlings, and at first when she hurt herself she cried. But gradually her skin toughened. And one day her best friend, a young boy who had also been abandoned, fell over in the street, and he burst into tears. My mamling did not go over to help him. She did not smile and she did not cry. She walked away.
"My papling grew up in a wealthy family who were involved in government. They were in charge of prisons and courts, and from a very early age he had to attend executions. His mamling and papling did not cry, so neither did he. His mamling and papling did not stop the people dying, so neither did he. Like my mamling, he grew up without feelings for himself or for others.
"It doesn't take long for like-minded people to stumble upon each other, does it? My papling came across my mamling on a walk in the street. They bumped heads because neither was looking up. It hurt them a lot but they did not laugh about it, nor did they cry. They looked into each other's eyes and they did not love each other. They could not love. But they married anyway. And now I cannot love them."
It took a few minutes for my brain to process all this information, and my first thought was that Werd's mamling and papling really were psychopaths, but then I remembered what Werd said and thought better of it. But I could not believe that people could have no feelings. I mean, that would explain why Mrs Hidlump is so unpleasant to us, but...
Everyone has feelings. Right?
"But you're different," I said in reply. "You have feelings, and more than that. You have empathy. If I fell over, you'd not only help me up, you'd hurt nearly as bad as me. So how come they don't got feelings but you do?"
"I don't know, Loren," he answered. "I really don't know." He looked at me again. "You are beautiful, by the way. I can see you're worried about me. Your concern is sweet, but unnecessary. I'm fine. My feelings make me hurt, but at least I've got feelings. Unlike my parents."
I must've looked damn confused. "What's parents?"
"Old-speak for mamling and papling. Stop saying mamling and papling, Loren. Say mother for mamling and father for papling, and parents if you're talking about them both. Sister for sisling and brother for broling. Baby for tenderling. Child for childerling. Adult for alderling. Elderly person for elderling."
"Why do you use old-speak then?"
Werd hesitated. "I'd rather not say. It's to do with my parents, but I'd rather not say."
After that I let Werd drive in peace, and sat silently beside him. I took three things away from that conversation. One, the history of Werd's mamling and papling-or should I say parents? Two, that some people don't got feelings. Three, that Werd is very special and I am so lucky that he loves me.
It was dark by the time we really got out of Ling. The buildings had been thinning out for quite a while, cuz that's the way cities go-not suddenly, it's not like one second you got a busy and bustling street and the next there's only fields and grass and silence. No. The change is super gradual, so it was kinda a surprise for me when I lifted my head off Werd's shoulder and saw we were in the full wilderness.
The road disappeared and suddenly we were driving on grass and pebbles, and the car was bouncing up and down, and I could tell from Werd's purple knuckles on the steering wheel that it was not easy to drive like this. So I suggested we stop there and set up camp, and he agreed, so he parked the car and I got to step out into the open air and remember how gorgeous the wilderness is, how fresh, how wild.
We lay down in the grass for a while and watched the stars 'fore we remembered ourselves and pitched the tent. Werd lit a fire and we cooked lamb chops. I was yawning but Werd seemed wide awake. He kept looking 'round himself at the wilderness, but not cuz of fear, I didn't think, cuz of wonder. "You ever been to the wildnerness 'fore, Werd?" I asked him quietly.
He shook his head no. "My parents wouldn't let me," he explained. "They believe that the only safe place on this planet is Ling. That the wilderness is full of danger. But how would they know? They were too scared to ever come here. And they're missing out, you know, Loren. Missing out on all this beauty." He looked at me. "Beauty I would have missed out on, too, if I had never met you. You are like the wilderness, Loren. At first I was scared of you, because you were the only one in that dingy school who paid any attention to me, who seemed to want to get to know me.
"I didn't trust you, Loren. Not one bit. I thought you would laugh at me when I told you how much it hurt me when the man in the suit hit the teacher. But you didn't. I was so surprised, and started to trust you with other secrets-secrets I hardly dared admit to myself.
"And it became another secret, just how much I loved you. Once I got over the fear I saw the beauty all the more, saw you as such a good person, Loren, more goodness in you than the goodness in all the people I have ever met put together. It took me a while to realise you loved me too, and after you admitted it, well, there was nothing more I could hide from you, was there, my sweet?" He kissed my cheek.
I pulled away, despite how much I wanted to lean into him after everything he'd just told me. I am the wilderness. I am his wilderness. But instead I found myself saying, "'Cept much 'bout your parents. You haven't told me their names."
Werd winced. "I can't," he whispered. "You'd hate me. More than anyone else you knew. I'd... lose you completely. I'd spoil your innocence, Loren. Well, I've already spoilt it, I was never supposed to love a girl. But if I tell you who you have kissed on the lips... oh, Loren... no, I can't... I can't. You won't make me, will you?"
He looked so scared then, it made me scared too. He was so good at disguising his emotions-the only things that had given him away in the past had been his hands. His expression was usually so passive. To see him looking so terrified was terrifying for me.
But I saw what he was doing wrong. This big secret of his, whatever it was, he was bottling it in, and it had been building up and up and up. He would feel so much better if he just got it out of himself. And if we were gonna love each other for real, there could be no more secrets 'twixt us.
So, "Werd," I said, "Werd, this is hurting you more 'n it would to just tell me. I would never leave you. Never. I promise with all my heart and soul. May I die 'fore I abandon you." I clasped his hands. No-no-how I wish I could go back in time and change that moment! How I wish I never made him tell me!
But. I did. I did, the idiot that I am. Sixteen years old but already a full-grown idiot. Idiot.
Novica: Who was he, Lorie?
Loren: I... I'll tell you what he said, that'll make it easier.
Novica: You two loved each other real hard, huh.
Loren: We did, Novie. We did. And I went ahead and ruined it all. Ruined everything! Everything went to pieces after the next thing he said! Damn it, I was so stupid.
Novica: Tell me. Please.
Loren: Ok, I gotta, I know I gotta, I promised you. He actually shed a tear, and we embraced, and he said-d'you know what he said?
Novica: No.
Loren: Well, guess.
Novica: No! I don't wanna guess. You gotta tell me.
Loren: You can guess it, though, it's not that hard. Who was he, Novie? What was his full name?
Novica: Edwerd.
Loren: Yeah, but his surname?
Novica: I dunno.
Loren: It's the most well-known surname on this planet.
Novica: Oh, Lorie...
Loren: Ha. You guessed it now, didn't you?
Novica: He wasn't...
Loren: He was.
Novica: But-but! But Lorie, if his name was-was Edwerd... if his name was Edwerd Ling, why'd he get sent to your dingy school?
Loren: Really? That's the first question you ask?
Novica: Ok, ok, I'll think of a better one. Why would Mr. Ling fall in love with a common girl?
Loren: You calling us commonfolk, Novie?
Novica: Uh huh. Cuz we are, aren't we? Mr. Ling died under mysterious circumstances two years ago. It was all over the papers.
Loren: Mm. But what the papers didn't say, Novie, was the truth.
Novica: The truth?
Loren: Mr. Ling, as you insist on calling him, was murdered. Two years ago. By my doing.
Novica: You murdered him???!!!??
Loren: Noooo! Killing Werd would have basically been suicide. We were kindred spirits. I made some choices-or mistakes, I should call them-that eventually led to his murder. A week after we went to the wilderness.
Novica: What happened? Who murdered him?
Loren: Idiots. Idiots murdered him. And I was among them. I ain't an idiot no more, Novie, but at that time Werd was the only person what wasn't an idiot, on the planet.
Novica: You calling me an idiot?
Loren: Nuh uh. But you're young, Novie. Childerlings are kinda idiots in general, cuz they don't full understand how the world works. You're an exception.
Novica: Oh, really? Yay! I ain't an idiot!
Loren: Will you open that chocolate bar, Novie? This is really stressing me out. My hands are shaking.
Novica: Sure.
[Loren has been growing steadily paler as she has been telling the story. She has reached the point at which she looks like she might faint. Novica swiftly unwraps the chocolate bar and hands it to Loren, who takes a couple of big bites until her complexion is back to normal. She wipes her mouth and sets the chocolate bar down on the table, as if she means business.]
Loren: I'm gonna get all of it outta me real quick otherwise I'll never be able to tell you the end of the story. Or the beginning. Depending on how you look at it.
Novica: Do it, then.
Loren: Ok. Here goes.
Edwerd Ling did not tell his mamling and papling that he would be gone for a day, nor that he was taking his papling's car. So, as they would be, they were worried and had an announcement made all over Ling asking Edwerd's location for a large reward. The other children at his 'dingy school' gave valuable information, as did the folk who'd seen Edwerd and Loren walking around the city holding hands and occasionally kissing. The Lings immediately understood what had happened, had the girl Edwerd had been seen with identified as Loren Seen, and the Lings had Edwerd's execution organised before he even returned from the wilderness. It was kept quiet cuz it was a nasty little business, but Loren was forced to attend the execution. She spent the ordeal banging on the glass so hard she cracked it and broke a fingerbone, screaming his name as loudly as she could, but he couldn't even hear her or see her. Her heart and soul died with Edwerd Ling that day. They have not returned.