The Car Crash Club • Monsta X

xiv.

"Because I thought you might need a friend. And I thought I might be just the guy."

The words rang hollow in Hyungwon's ears. The background noise on his end picked back up - a few low murmurs and a constant humming noise - but Hyungwon was too distracted by Jooheon's statement to factor in anything else. "Why exactly do I need a friend?"

Jooheon's answer was, once again, deceptively simple. "Because we all need someone," he said, still keeping his voice quiet. Hyungwon got the feeling like he was once again in a space with others and didn't want to make Hyungwon feel like they were listening to their conversation. "You can deny it all you want, but coming out of something as the only survivor has to be the loneliest existence imaginable. We've all got our cross to bear, but it's too much to ask you to bear it alone."

"I'm not alone. I have..." Hyungwon cut off mid-sentence, realizing too late that he'd been about to say 'my therapist' and what a dead giveaway that would have been as to how pathetic his life was. "I have..." he started again before giving up with a harsh sigh. "Maybe I just like the quiet."

"Hyungwon, is it that you think you don't need friends? Or that you think you don't deserve them?"

Despite the soft tone to Jooheon's words, Hyungwon still felt a flash of anger heat up his spine at the insinuation. "What the hell, Jooheon-"

"Because you do," Jooheon quickly said, sensing how close Hyungwon was to ending the call. "You deserve friends, and you deserve happiness, or at least a shot at it."

All of a sudden, a heavy fatigue came over Hyungwon, and he felt so small and pathetic that some near stranger had been chasing after his acceptance all this time, and for what? Hyungwon knew he wasn't a worthy prize. "Jooheon-"

There was a sound on the other end as something slammed shut, and then there was a series of raps against the door. "Hey, I'm outside. Ready for a walk?"

--

Hyungwon could barely look at Jooheon. He felt incredibly guilty, and it wasn't the ever-present guilt stemming from the accident. That was still there beneath everything else, but this was a newer guilt, one specifically attuned to Jooheon. Hyungwon felt bad that he'd unintentionally been playing hard-to-get with the other boy. Jooheon had wasted so much time on him; Hyungwon felt like a walk was the least payment he could cough up in return. But he truly didn't see why Jooheon thought he was worth the time and effort, and it made him scared that maybe Jooheon would realize that too.

"You're lucky you skipped class today," Jooheon said conversationally, a grin on his face. "We had to read our papers out loud to other students. I hate doing that." He looked over at Hyungwon. "What's your paper about?"

"I haven't write one," Hyungwon said in full honesty.

"Then you're doubly lucky, aren't you."

The air was brisk, leaves whipping about in the wind with a soft howl. The seasons were just beginning to contemplate turning over, and while the day still carried a bit of warmth, the chill of fall wasn't shying away, either. They kept to their path on the sidewalk as the fences on their left continually changed make and model as they passed various properties.

Hyungwon felt the chill of fall seep into his heart as he noticed the slim black posts and pickets with small arrows on the top. He'd hoped they'd walk past it, unconsciously quickening his own pace, but Jooheon turned in through the front gates.

Hyungwon stopped just outside them. "Where are you going?"

"Just a quick stop on the way. You don't have to come if you don't want to," Jooheon said with no other explanation, and Hyungwon felt compelled to follow him into the cemetery, his skin growing cold as he entered the hallowed grounds.

Jooheon came to a stop at a pair of gravestones, and even though Hyungwon had a sinking feeling as to what he'd find, he read the names anyway.

LEE MIN-JAE

LEE MIN-JUN

Both the birth and death dates inscribed below matched identically, the latter five years from the present. Hyungwon did the math quickly and found that the dates only ranged a twelve year gap.

They were just kids.

"My twin younger brothers," Jooheon said, his tone light and casual but an unfamiliar sadness in his eyes, a weight that he hadn't shown Hyungwon before. This was Jooheon's Crash, then. Hyungwon wondered if Jooheon had been in Hyungwon's position - a helpless passenger - or if he'd been the one driving. He didn't know that it made a difference, but he thought that maybe it would affect the way he saw Jooheon. There was something raw in Jooheon's tone that made him think that Jooheon would tell him if he asked, but he didn't because he didn't want things to change between them.

"I just like to visit when I'm in the area," Jooheon said, pushing his hands into his pockets. Hyungwon wondered if his hands were shaking. Hyungwon's were, and he'd never even known Minjae or Minjun.

"We could go back and pick up some flowers," Hyungwon suggested belatedly. It was just something he'd seen people do. His own family had been cremated, so he'd never been to the cemetery except in the days of his youth when his parents had taken him to honor long-dead relatives of the Chae family.

"Nah, it's fine," Jooheon said. He'd temporarily crouched down as though he'd wanted to be closer to his brothers for just a minute, but he stood up, stretching his arms over his head. "They never cared about flowers, and they were brats anyway." He paused, his arms slowly settling to his sides. "But they were my brats," he said, his voice softer than before, and Hyungwon just nodded, not wanting to intrude in a personal moment, although he felt very invasive just standing at their grave site.

"I couldn't visit them for a long time," Jooheon admitted abruptly. "Two or three years. I fell apart, and it took me a long time to pull myself back together. And I didn't do it alone, I had a lot of help. But several years passed before I was able to stand here before them." He looked over at Hyungwon, his eyes darker than usual with a profound richness of sadness and growth. "I didn't want to visit them until I could show them that I was doing well, that I was making an effort to live my life meaningfully." He didn't directly suggest that the same likely went for Hyungwon, but the message was received nonetheless.

"All right, we've given them more than their fair share of attention. Let's go," Jooheon said, a small smile tugging at his lips as he looked back at the headstones, giving a small salute before he turned back to the pathway that lead to the front gate, Hyungwon trailing along a step behind.