𝐤𝐢𝐰𝐢 ▻ ned leeds

𝟎𝟎𝟎

CHAPTER ZERO:
squirrels in my pants

"Dude, where are you?" Ned Leeds asks impatiently into the microphone on his headset.

The boy is seated in front of his computer screen, as the bags underneath his eyes and the pain in his back proves that he has been for most of the day. His head aches from the bright light that's been stabbing his eyes for hours on end.

Most Saturdays are like that. Instead of getting drunk at random parties like most of his peers, Ned spends his weekends waiting for updates on what crimes are being committed in New York. Spoiler alert: there are a lot. He wonders what on Earth made his parents want to move to such an unsafe city. And that's when there aren't aliens pouring out of a worm whole in the sky. Surely the famous New York pizza isn't worth that much trouble. For anyone.

"I'm on my way," Peter's high-pitched voice promises through his headset, "I just wanted to swing by that neighborhood from last week to make sure everything's okay."

After the whole Flying-Vulture-Guy shenanigans several months prior, Peter decided that maybe everyone around him was right. He didn't need to carry the burdens that came with being the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man all on his own. Hence, Ned is now his Guy in the Chair.

Still, the once scrawny boy seems to always want to walk the extra mile. To reach just a little further than he should. Truth be told, Ned feels a little worried about his friend. Although he knows that nothing brings Peter as much joy as to swing through the streets of New York and help people, he can't help it but to notice that he never really relaxes anymore. He's always on edge, listening for police sirens and wondering if he is needed. After what happened to his Uncle Ben, Ned can't say he doesn't understand it. Still, he wishes he could convince Peter that what happens on the streets when he can't be there isn't his responsibility.

"Are you on your way now?" Ned asks. "The pizza guy is gonna be here any minute."

"Yep!" Peter replies lightly. "I've got my backpack now. I'm just gonna change out of the suit and then I'll come over."

Ned feels himself sigh in relief. He closes his laptop and swirls around in his chair, stretching his limbs in preparation to leave his seat when Peter's voice sounds through the headphones again.

"Ah, shoot."

"What?" Ned retorts quickly. "Is something happening?"

Peter groans. "Not anymore. My bottle leaked into my entire backpack. It's gonna look like I wet my pants—"

Music interrupts the boy, and booms into Ned's ears. He winces in surprise, and can scarcely hear Peter yelp as well. A high-pitched voice that Ned swears he has heard before yells out something in sync with the beat: "There are squirrels in my pants!"

The song goes on, and for a few seconds, all Ned can do is sit in silence and wait for Peter to explain what the hell is happening. But Peter doesn't say anything. Not to Ned at least. He can faintly hear him whisper-yelling at Karen to turn it off, only to be further provoked as Karen seems to start playing something else instead that Ned can't quite make out.

"Dude," he says after a while, and Peter's frantic yelling ceases. "Was that a Phineas and Ferb song?"