explosion (jay halstead / one chicago)

chapter 4

"So, you and Jay?" Sylvie asked.

She was out of hospital and we were currently shopping decoration for our new apartment. We had decided to take a break for lunch and opted for a Chinese restaurant. I was impatiently waiting for my noodles to be served as I hadn't eaten anything for breakfast.

"No" I shook my head.

To be completely honest, I didn't want to talk about it.

"No?" Sylvie raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not looking for a relationship" I said, hoping she wouldn't ask any further.

Yes, Sylvie was my newly found best friend, we were inseparable, lived together and shared a lot. But still, my past experiences with men weren't something I felt comfortable talking about. At least not yet. I took a sip from my coke.

"Who's talking about a relationship?" Sylvie gave me an innocent smile. "I'm sure he'd be a good fuck. Or what about friends with benefits? I heard he's a pretty good listener too."

I choked on my drink and spit out coke as I started coughing.

"Sylvie!" I complained.

"Okay, okay. I'll stop" my friend surrendered. "But I still think you two would make a sweet something."

I sighed. No matter what I said, she wouldn't leave it. Looking back, I should have never asked her about Jay. I should have never gone to see him. What in hell had I been thinking? A cop. As if it wasn't enough already that I seemed to like this guy in some way. Of course, he had to be a cop. I had promised to myself when I moved to Chicago that I would stay away from love, stay away from relationships of any kind. But that wasn't all. It had been clear for way longer that I would never again trust a cop, or even be around one.

"Listen Sylvie. It's just that I don't want any kind of relationship right now" I tried to explain. I knew it was way more complex than that. "I moved to Chicago to start a new life and get over a lot of shit from my past. I want to leave behind everything that happened in Madrid and for that I have to stay away from love."

It was hard to tell her she had to forget the idea of Jay and I without explaining anything of what had happened. In reality, I didn't want to get into any kind of relationship because relationships were what destroyed my life. I couldn't get involved with a cop because I had done so before, and I would regret it forever. To let go of my past I had to leave love and men and cops out of my present. Jay was a cop. And a good looking one as well. Seeing him wasn't an option.

"Here's what I think" Sylvie said after a while of us both staring into our drinks. "I don't know what exactly happened in Madrid, and it must have been bad. But the way I see it, if you want a new beginning, you have to start from zero. Delete all the memories and what's holding you back. I know that's hard, and it won't work over night. But what you're doing right now is letting your past define your future, by trying to be careful and remembering what went wrong before. That's Madrid-you. Chicago-you has to start from scratch. Trust again, love again, and if necessary, get hurt again too. If you want a new beginning, you shouldn't give a shit about the past, as difficult as that sounds. Understand what I mean?"

I nodded slowly. In some way, she was right. I was so focused on not repeating the same mistakes that I was stopping myself from moving on.

Sylvie gave me an honest and sympathetic smile, as if she was trying to read what was going on inside my head. As if she could see the pain behind my smile.

"I know it's hard, but all I'm saying is you should give it a try" she spoke again.

"That your past is fucked up doesn't mean your future has to be. You're a great paramedic, an amazing friend, and a wonderful woman. And I saw you when you asked for Jay. I see your face light up when I mention his name. He's a nice guy, Liz. I promise. Don't be scared."

After lunch we soon decided to go back to our apartment, and I helped Sylvie unpack her boxes. The next day, when we were at the firehouse together, my friend came back to the topic.

"I don't want to pressure anything and if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine" she spoke. "But I heard Jay is out of hospital. Have you thought about it yet?"

I had. A lot. He's a nice guy, Liz. I promise. Those were the words I couldn't get out of my mind. If Sylvie said so, it had to be true. But trusting a cop again was a huge step I wasn't sure I was ready to take. I knew Sylvie was just trying to help, but I didn't know what to do.

I looked at my friend, unsure of what to say.

"Guys, listen" Sylvie spoke up, causing everyone to focus their attention on her. She winked at me and I slightly panicked. She couldn't talk about this in front of everybody, especially in front of my brother.

"See, we're sharing our thoughts on some people" my friend continued. I understood where she was going. Gossip always worked. "And Liz here seems to have a major problem trusting the police, so we need some more opinions."

I nudged her jokingly. I wondered if she had just made up the fact that I had problems trusting the police because it was an easy opportunity to make the others talk about Jay or if it was so noticeable in the way I still got intimidated around officers at work. Maybe I should ask her later.

"Who are we talking about?" Cruz questioned.

"Jay Halstead" Sylvie said and smiled at me triumphantly.

"Halstead is a good guy" Herrmann shrugged. "Was a ranger, and he's a great cop now."

"He cares a lot about the people close to him" Casey added.

He eyed us suspiciously: "Why?"

"Oh ... Uhm ... girl stuff, nothing important" Sylvie answered quickly.

"If that's your newest try at how to get dating tips from your firehouse family without giving inside information, it's not how it goes" Herrmann said.

Sylvie shot him an angry look while I silently hoped for something that would change the topic of our conversation.

"Come on, just tell us what's going on" Cruz pleaded.

"Nothing" Sylvie lied. I glanced over at Kelly who curiously looked back at me.

"Well, speaking of the devil" Casey said out of nowhere. "I guess we'll know what's going on in a minute."

I followed his gaze to see Jay walking down the hall towards us, accompanied by a latino guy. Both were wearing police badges around their neck.

I looked over at Sylvie, who was studying my reaction. I noticed that my hands were shaking, and I quickly buried them in the pocket of my hoodie. I hated myself for this reaction. I hated how much police officers still intimidated and scared me. But I just couldn't help it, the memories were there every time.

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as the ending suggests, Jay will be back next chapter ;)

thanks for reading so far ❤️