explosion (jay halstead / one chicago)

chapter 40

liz's pov

I felt numb. It was this kind of numbness that came when everything was too much. When there were so many feelings that I suddenly felt nothing at all. The numbness that said I couldn't take it anymore. The numbness that made you unable to cry and unable to experience any kind of emotion. The numbness that was relieving but frightening at the same time. That scared you to death and ate you alive until there was nothing left while you could not seem to find a way out. The numbness that was the reason behind the faint scars on my skin.

It was this numbness I felt ever since Jay told me the truth behind his undercover run, since he left after I said I needed time. And it was the same numbness I still felt when I saw him again two days later.

I didn't blame Jay. It wasn't his fault. He had done what he thought was right, and that was the best he could do. Besides, it was hard to tell if it was wrong or right anyway. There was always a discussion of wrong and right in this job, but in the end, there was nothing that would have made Jay's undercover wrong, at least this time around, at least from a legal perspective. Ethically, there was just a lot of grey, and little black and white. But that didn't matter. He had done the best he could. It was useless to look back and wonder what could have been if things worked out differently.

The problem wasn't what Jay had done. The problem was what it triggered inside my mind. I knew I was lucky to be where I was. Not too long ago, that Sienna girl could have easily been me. I was entirely grateful and glad to have moved on from that life. But that was exactly the point. I thought I moved on, left it all behind. That I had finally defeated the trauma. But getting pregnant, and listening to Jay talk about Sienna, a young woman that seemed so similar to me in so many ways, made me realized I hadn't.

I was doing better, of course. And I was living a good life in Chicago. However, I still hadn't managed to completely leave what happened in Madrid behind, and because of recent events, it haunted me as bad as ever – which was exactly what I wanted to avoid when I came here in the first place.

There were a million reasons for me to ignore the alarm bells that rang in my head at realizing that I hadn't really moved on, and at drowning in the numbness I knew all too well. Jay and the baby inside me, our baby, were just the most important of them. But I knew that I couldn't ignore the alarm bells. Ignoring alarm bells never ended well. I could tell that if I did that, things would only end worse.

I loved Jay, more than anything. And I wanted to be with him, forever. But I needed time, time to fully leave my past behind and be ready for this relationship, the relationship we both wanted, the one Jay deserved, and the one the baby deserved as well. This relationship, this family, wasn't something that would work ideally if I wasn't entirely ready for it, and I was scared it would break over my fucked-up past. I just thought it was better to have some time apart in order to fully commit to something fulfilling eventually, than to try now when there was a high chance it would turn out problematic. I cared more about it working in the long term than right in this moment. For me, for Jay, and for the baby.

jay's pov

I knew that it wasn't good when Liz asked me to come over. It was just a feeling. I knew her, and I had seen how devastated she was when I told her the truth about the undercover. That wouldn't go away in two days. Not with Liz's past and the way her mind worked.

We sat in silence on the couch in the girls' living room for a while. Liz stared at her hands. Whatever she was about to say, she had probably rehearsed it, over and over, but she was having a hard time even looking at me. There were a million things on my mind and at the same time nothing at all. When Liz finally faced me and our eyes met, I could see all the pain and insecurity that I remembered from the beginning of our relationship, when she would still flinch at just seeing a police badge or gun. This time, the pain and insecurity were paired with something else, regret maybe. She felt bad for whatever she was about to tell me.

"I'm leaving Chicago," she said.

I opened my mouth to answer something, but no words came out, and she cut me off either way. "Jay," she continued, never taking her eyes away from mine. "You gotta know that this has nothing to do with you. Just... what happened made me realize that I haven't fully moved on yet, and I need to focus on that before I can fully commit to something else."

I knew that by something else, she meant us. In a strange way, I understood. I had been in a relationship I wasn't ready for before, and I knew that it was difficult. "I just need some time, okay?" Liz asked.

Although I didn't want her to leave, although I didn't want to lose her, I nodded vaguely. Unlike me, Liz wasn't the person to make unfounded decisions. If she thought this was the right thing to do, then it probably was, no matter how much it hurt. And me trying to make her stay would only turn out worse, for the both of us. Liz smiled sadly. "You need to know this is not on you," she added. I nodded again, despite the fact that I wasn't so sure about it.

Liz moved over and we shared a kiss. It was sweet, and slow, and it tasted different knowing that it was the last one. "I love you, Jay," she whispered when we pulled apart. There were tears in her eyes that I could tell she was trying to hold back. "This isn't forever."

I just hoped that she was right.

---

here we go... last chapter! you can immediately move on to the epilogue and i will keep all i have to say to myself until the final author's not following that o.O pls don't hate me, thank you so so much for reading, and leave a vote or comment if you like! ❤️