Textrovert

"I won't let you push me away."

[Sunday, May 24, 2020]

Outgoing call to Mother ducker

"Iris?"

"I'm sorry."

"..."

"I shouldn't have ignored your texts and calls. I really am sorry."

"It's okay. But I was really worried about you. Are you okay?"

"..."

"Iris?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"But why did you ignore me for two days? Did I do something wrong? I was worried that maybe I offended you in some way-"

"No, Keith. It's just- you wouldn't get it. I'm the problem here."

"Please tell me what you mean by that, cause this is the third time you've said this to me."

"I...this is what I always do, Keith. I push people away."

"..."

"I- I always do this. I get closer to someone and then suddenly push them away. It's like I take one step towards them and then suddenly take two back. I'm sick of doing that but I just- I'm sorry, I know you wouldn't understand."

"No, Iris. Tell me. I'm listening."

"But it wouldn't make sense to you at all. Heck, it doesn't even make sense to me."

"But tell me anyway."

"..."

"..."

"Remember what I told you about my first date and how I started ignoring him even though I liked him? That's what I've been doing over and over again for years. Every time someone gets closer to me I just- I push them away, you know? I don't even know why I do that. I don't know what's wrong with me. And the worst part is, I end up hurting myself by hurting the people who liked me. And I can't explain to you why I ignored you after Thursday. You and I- we've been talking for a month and even though I've never even seen you, it got overwhelming to talk to you so much, I don't know...I-I feel like I- I mean I just don't wanna get attached to you, you know? I've been avoiding that all my life. So I thought if I started ignoring you...you'd forget about me and everything would be fine. But I couldn't go through with it. I told myself 'not this time!' so I just called you before I could change my mind."

"Wow, I didn't know-"

"I know it's stupid and it doesn't make sens-"

"Iris. Listen, I get it. It must've been...awful, to push people away all the time. It must be frustrating to have someone think you don't like them back or you've lost interest when in reality you were feeling the opposite. I'm sorry you had to go through that all your life."

"Thanks."

"But just know, I won't let you do that to me."

"What?"

"I won't let you push me away."

"..."