Christmas to Spend Alone

2

I thought a lot about the evening in the hours that followed. Mostly about the way I acted, and the influence Bucky had on me.

I let him hold my hand, for the whole evening. I accepted an invitation to a social gathering. I think, but I'm not sure, I smiled. I said "Thank You,". When do I ever have cause to say "Thank You," to anyone?

I did not join them for Christmas morning. I did not buy gifts for anyone, I thought it inappropriate for me to attend. As it turns out I didn't miss out, no one opened presents on Christmas morning. Most of slept off their hang overs, only Bucky, the Captain and I weren't flat out drunk by the end of the night.

I crept out of my room on silent feet as per usual, to go work out in the gym on one of the lower floors. The gym on the 5th floor is specially equipped to, "handle" me. I like going there because I can get out my emotions without causing extensive damage.

After a few hours of weight lifting and reality bending practice, I decided I wanted to work on my basic punching and kicking, hand to hand combat skills. Only a few minutes into my session I became aware that I was being watched. However my years of experience told me not to react abnormally, but wait for just the right moment to strike.

So I continued for a good 10 minutes then gave the hanging punching bag and swift kick that sent it flying into a wall.

"You know it's rude to stare," I turned, to find not to my surprise, Bucky standing in the doorway.

He didn't say anything. So instead I picked up my water bottle and squirted the rejuvenating liquid into my waiting mouth. And swallowed with a iron gaze upon him.

"I wanted to apologize for last night,"

I tilted my head, not changing my cold expression.

"For, making you do something you clearly weren't comfortable with,"

"Not comfortable?"

"Yeah, I mean. You didn't seem very happy, ya know during. Ugh, the the party,"

"You don't sound very sure of your words, soldier,"

"In truth, I'm not," he sighed in defeat, "you are unreadable (y/n). I can't tell if you hated it, and therefore me for inviting you. Or if you had a good time and would consider joining the group for gifts when the rest are sober,"

"Is that all?"

He looked slightly taken aback by my apparent dismissal of his words, but regained his speech. "Yeah, that's all," he turned to go. But stopped at the door, and looked over his shoulder. "The others enjoyed you being there,"

"Is that so?" I asked, beginning to pack my things back into my gym bag.

"Yeah, said you look mighty fine when you aren't frowning,"

"Really?" My voice came off as sarcastic, although I was curious.

"Yeah,"

"Yeah? Yeah what? What is it you want?" I said, dissatisfied with his one word answer.

He said nothing.

So I said something, "I don't get it with you. I actively avoid trying to comprehend the mentality of the rest of the world. But you. I can't figure you out. You suddenly growing a heart and speaking to me. Coming out of your shell and dragging me with you. I don't get it,"

"No you don't,"

"So explain it to me!"

Now it was his turn to yell, "I wasn't always like this. Sullen and hostile like you. I used to be happy, a ladies man, and friend. I had a social life. I had a future. That's all been ripped away from me along with a chunk of my body!" He waved his metal arm around. "I want to go back to being a good person. I want to leave my suffering and pain in the past!"

I knew what he was going to say next. And I also knew that I would agree.

"I wanted to help you. I used to help people. I'm trying to bring back the better me! And I'm trying to help you find the better you!"