Nothing to See Here

Mångata

Mångata – Swedish (noun) – the road-like reflection of the moon in the water.

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My father was so damned specific about where and how he wanted his ashes spread, but it wasn't just one location. As he wrote in his will: "allow equal measure of my ashes released to the winds, at ten of my most favored spots in the universe." This included a list of ten places, most of which he had never even visited himself. I'm not sure why I felt so compelled to complete this ridiculous list of wishes he left for me in his will. That was literally all he left me–his bucket list. And, not to mention, he was dead. Who would complain if I skimped a little or missed a few? Who would even notice? My father, that's who.

Even though he was dead, I felt certain that somehow my father would know. He was such a perfectionist I didn't for a second doubt that he could somehow return from the precipice of death to haunt and criticize me for eternity should I not follow through on these last wishes. Even now his voice still clouds my head. I was never good enough. I will fail. That's what the voice is telling me now.

I divided up his ashes into ten equal and easily carried packets, and transported these to the various locations he requested, whenever I found myself in a position to visit them. Some were less involved than others. One portion of his ashes was poured into the wind from the center of the Golden Gate Bridge, and another dumped into the headwaters of the Truckee River, each of which was a day trip. The portion of ashes released at Bad Water Basin in Death Valley was also a day trip, but a little more involved since it included chartering a private plane and a near-death landing experience at the sad little patch of dust known as the Furnace Springs Airport. But past these spots located in state, it got more complicated.

His list almost read like a list of the world's wonders. There was Table Mountain in South Africa, the Kilauea crater in Hawaii, and the summit of Mount Everest. There was Machu Picchu, the Great Wall of China, and the Statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio.

I hiked the Machu Picchu, the Great Wall, and the Christo Redentor trails. A giraffe stole my sandwich in South Africa, my shoes caught on fire from lava in Hawaii, and I paid a sherpa a whole lot of money to take my father's ashes to the summit of Everest. Please don't ask how much it cost. Overall it had been a series of expensive, exhausting adventures, and now all that remained was number ten.

Number ten was the one I at first disregarded as impossible and absurd. Impossibly impossible and absurd. But still, I carry the equal and evenly divided packet number ten, still, I wait for one last chance to finally deliver this last packet. Just to prove I am not a failure and I am good enough. Just to get my father's voice out of my head once and for all.

And on a night like this when the moon shines off the water so clear, it almost seems like number ten might be closer than I realize, like maybe I could walk there on a trail of light. Then I hear my father's voice in my head, and I realize number ten is actually much further away than I think.

It is further away than I can even imagine.