Me and Us

chapter two - moving along

"He broke up with you?" Kat sounds absolutely shocked, her voice cracking through the phone. 

"Yeah, but don't tell anyone." I say, massaging my temples. "I'm hoping that people will assume it was mutual, or that I broke up with him."

"I'm not worried about people, I'm worried about you." She says, "How are you holding up?"

"Well..." I hesitate. 

It's been two days. I've barely left my room once that whole time, sick with sadness and desperation. I check my phone every couple of minutes, waiting to see a text from him, even if it's not so friendly. 

"I'm doing okay." I feel bad for lying to her, but I can't show weakness. My mother taught me right. Always act cool even if you feel like you're breaking out into a million pieces. "We were gonna break up before college anyways." 

"It's a long time before college." She sounds doubtful. I need to amp up the apathy. 

"I'm seriously fine." I try by best smile, even though she can't see me. "I can't wait to spend the year trying new things and meeting new people and not having to go to a million 'indie' concerts when I really just want to be watching New Girl."

Damn. I'll even miss Adam's "indie" concerts. 

"I'm so glad you're taking it so well." Kat breathes a sigh of relief. There's a pause, and I can tell she's wondering whether or not to ask me something. 

"What is it?" I ask, biting the bullet before it becomes awkward. I have no desire to dance around whatever subject she's considering. 

"Well... I wasn't going to say anything... but since you're taking this so well..."

My patience is completely gone at this point. "What?"

"Do you want to go to Zane's party tonight? I just assumed you were already going with Adam, but that's obviously..."

"Is he gonna be there?" I can't hide the fear and excitement in my voice. I never want to see Adam ever again, but I want to see him more than anything. 

"Yeah I think so. Zane mentioned his name when I asked who was coming." She sounds guilty. I'm sure this isn't how Kat pictured our senior year either. 

"Yeah, I'll come with you." I try to act nonchalant. "Who cares about him anyway?"

"Awesome!" Kat sounds genuinely excited, and I smile. "I'm so proud of you Lily, you usually don't take change so well." 

It's my turn to feel guilty. Little does she know, I'm dying inside. "I've turned a new leaf." I force a smile on my face. Thank god she can't see me, I'm sure it looks more like a grimace. 

"I'm happy for you." There's a short pause before she comes back, "Now let's get shitfaced tonight!"

"Sounds good to me!" I start cleaning up my room, taking the chance to peak in my closet and start to plan what I'm going to wear. I haven't even thought about partying since the breakup, and I'm sure my crop tops are buried in the back of my dresser. "Come over to get ready?"

There's another awkward pause. "I'd really love to." She says, nervously. "It's just that I thought you were going with Adam and so I already made plans to pre-game at Nora's house with some of my eco club friends." 

I hate Nora. 

"I can definitely cancel if you want to hang!" Kat follows up. I so badly want to be selfish. 

"That's alright. I'll meet you there?" I can almost see her face of relief. 

"Okay sounds great!" I did a good thing. At least that's what I'm telling myself. "Let me know when you get to Zane's, I'll ditch Nora and bathe you in Tequila." 

"As it should be." I smile. 

I'm so grateful for Kat. We've been best friends since middle school when I moved to town and she was assigned as my welcome buddy. She ate lunch with me, told me what teachers were strict as hell, and risked social suicide by joining the book club with me. Luckily we survived, barely. Everyone said we'd drift apart in high school when we started meeting different people and joining different groups in high school, but so far, we've made it through. 

"Ahhh Nora is calling me." I grit my teeth. "Talk to you later?" She asks. 

"Sounds good." I say, hanging up on her before she can hang up on me. I don't like it when people hang up on me. I guess I just don't like to be left. 

I scroll through my contacts and try to find another number to dial. Nothing sounds worse right now then showing up to Zane's last summer party all alone. 

Alex. Hooked up with him in freshman year, might make Adam jealous but would be a little bit too awkward. 

Clara. Haven't seen her since the last day of Junior year when I didn't have time to sign her yearbook. Yikes. 

Ella. Nothing would be worse than bringing my twenty three year old sister to a high school party. 

Izzy. My best friend from temple, we always snatched the wine and got drunk together in the bathroom during Passover. I think she got back from camp a week ago, it's worth a try. 

The phone rings three times before someone picks it up. "Hello?" I smile at her obvious annoyance at  being interrupted. 

"Hey Iz, it's me. Want to come to a party tonight?"

"Is it at Fiona's?" 

"Um no. It's at Zane's." I wait for her response on the edge of my seat. 

"Thank God. I hate Fiona's parties, I always end up taking off my shirt." I laugh and smile, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in awhile. 

The moment passes. 

"So do you want to come over and get ready?" 

"Sure." She says, and I can hear movement. "I can drive you and take you back, my mom says if I come home drunk again she's going to tell Rabbi Avi and I cannot handle his disapointment."

This is working out better than I thought. "Awesome, I can't wait to hear all about camp!"

"You just wait, I have some stories." She hangs up, and I flop back on my bed. Maybe it'll be okay. Maybe I can be happy again.