Duality | Monsta X [√]

23: Different

If you want me to stay for the rest of my life you got me

-Middle of the night,
Monsta x

Three or four songs had passed, time felt like as if it was flying by and at the same time going slow. I was calmer than before, the waiting lounge was almost empty too, save for the few nurses, other hospital workers briskly walking by from time to time and another man that was sound asleep on a bench in the third row.

The nauseating smell of the hospital was even stronger now, but it did not made my head hurt anymore. The melody of the songs spun around my head instead and provoked thoughts that I'd always buried somewhere deep inside of me.

"I don't have a father," I mumbled to myself and kind of hoped Kihyun wouldn’t hear it.

But then, why did I want to talk about my past firstly? Maybe I actually did want him to listen.

Kihyun stopped the music and turned to me, us still sharing the ear buds. Then he looked away and focused on somewhere else ahead. "I did see in your CV. You left your father's name blank."

"I did that for a reason. My mother never got married to the guy she got impregnated with. This guy knocked her up and left when she was only eighteen."

The atmosphere surrounding us suddenly grew heavier than it was before, as if it could be sliced perfectly with a sharp knife. Kihyun's face had a morphed into a morbid expression and soon after he let out a shaky breath.

"You don't have to tell me if you don’t want to."

"I want to," I really wanted to, all my life keeping everything in and I was growing tired of it. Especially now because every time I went to the clan club I got reminded of my mom's part of the story, my part of the story and it infuriated me, make me shudder, cause my lungs wanting to give up.

"I never saw who my father was, not even a picture. But my mom says I look a lot like him, so I guess, when I look in the mirror I'm seeing a part of him. That's why sometimes I feel like I hate myself too," The words escaped me and I wondered how I was so calm. When even the thoughts had often made me choke up before.

"It's not your fault that you look like your father," he said in a soft tone. I wondered what kind of expression he had on but I did not dare to look.

As I did not want him to see the tears forming in my eyes, not for the second time of the night.

"I know, it's just... It's just hard. Because I hate him so much," I let out the sigh I was holding on which sounded as breathy, it bounced on the thick wall of atmosphere around us.

"Do you hate him because he left you and your mom?"

Scrunching up my eyebrows I thought a little. "No, I hate him for everything. If he was not a responsible person he should not have made my mom pregnant, or even made her fall in love with him in the first place. My mom is like this now only because of him. Because she suffered so much all by herself she became so sick and weak."

"That must've been hard for your mom," Kihyun whispered, I wondered this time if it was really him. His soft and sincere voice was like the melody of the songs I was just listening to.

"And you too. It must've been hard for you," he added.

I stayed in silence for a few seconds, trying to blink the tears away. Thankfully almost no one was here now. The lounge had gotten darker with the clock saying it was three am.

"When my mom was eighteen this sudden twenty something year old guy moved into her neighbourhood. My mom being a high school student and that person being an older hotshot, I don't really know what got her attracted but mom said, he had kind eyes. And his laughter sounded like the waterfalls in heaven. Cliche, I know," I looked at Kihyun and could not make out of what his face was telling me.

But he was looking at me intently, and in that vulnerable state of mine I could not match up to his gaze for long. So I turned away and faced ahead.

"It was the typical bad boy, good girl kind of story you would read about in fiction sometimes, or see in the movies. He was a college student, but he used to smoke cigarettes, ride bikes, had nasty kind of friends, hit clubs every night, took drugs and alcohol. A lot of people in the neighbourhood said he was part of a gang, obviously he was not good for my mom who was young and had a conservative family.

"But I guess she had her days, I guess he made her feel wild and alive, and I guess she was purely enticed by him. Things lead to one another. Soon after my mom got pregnant, he...," I paused for a second, exhaling.

"He told my mom he will take care of it. But soon he was gone, along with his other friends.

"Police came to enquire and mom learnt he indeed was part of a small gang. After having a bickering with another gang from the opposite party, he had killed their leader. And had been on the run since then and got to her neighbourhood to hide. No sign of my father since then, I don't think he ever cared. And I don't care even if he died.

"But I care about my mom. Because she has no one else than me. Even though she was a mere teen and had to give up school or college, became a high school dropout, she kept me. Even when her family abandoned her she did her best for me." The words that were haunting me for all these time, had left me and we sat there in silence.

Life was really not a romance book, it did not have happy endings. Bad guys always left but they only did that after destroying others lives. The good girls can't change the bad boys, the only thing they do is lose themselves in the process.

The boys from the clan club reminded me how much of a disaster a person’s life could be for people like them. Yet here I was, sharing my story with one of them. And I wondered if I was doing it wrong.

But a hand that was carefully and gently placed on mine made me snap from my could of thoughts, and look up to Kihyun. Who was only looking down on my hand that rested on the handle of the seat before he entwined his with mine.

"Your mom did the best for you, and I can see that you're doing the best for her too. You're only so young yet you're doing everything you can. You got into the best university, you're doing part time jobs and you're doing good on both. Juggling your studying and work perfectly," his low voice made goosebumps starting to rise on my arm, I hoped he wouldn’t notice that.

"I know that your mom is proud of you. Even though you hate your dad, you should know that you're different than him despite having the same blood. You're different and you should be proud of yourself."

His hand on mine grew tighter, and the warmth spread from him to me like bonfire until it reached my face. My hand fit perfectly in his and at that moment, I knew, I wasn’t doing it wrong.

Because he was different too, they were. They were different from what I had perceived of them.

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A/n: FANTASIA X!!! PLEASE SUPPORT THE MONSTA X COMEBACK!

Actually it's really hard for me as I'm still not used to them being 6. But I'm hoping, still praying that things will change one day.

Please stick around for more updates. I've been taking some time but I'm just trying my best to focus on myself a bit. I promise for sooner updates.