Chapter Fifteen : Liam

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**Trigger Warning

**Mature themes

Once we get there, we follow the sound of sound of loud music and laughter. I follow Ben to the  back pool deck, where a flood of people come rushing toward us.
"Ben, Liam, how are ya?" Finn asks, slapping Ben on the back.
I force a smile and speak real loud, hoping my volume can make me seem more mellow.
"Not half bad," I lie, making my way though the crowd.

An hour later, I've had more beers than I can count. I stumble toward the swimming pool. The chlorinated water looks real peaceful and inviting.  "I'M GOING FOR A SWIMMMM", I yell, putting my phone on the deck, throwing my shirt across from  the pool, and diving in.

I'm underwater. I close my eyes and push myself deeper beneath the surface.
"I miss you," I blurt. There's something about talking underwater that is so cathartic, you know? Just hearing your thoughts echo off you, ridding you of all your sadness. All your anger. All your regret.
But it's only for a second. When you reach the surface again, it all comes back a million times stronger than before.

I push myself up to the surface, soaring up like a rocket.
But then, I see a rush of light and then, darkness  comes barging in, and I feel myself slowly slipping back underneath the surface.  The world around me slowly fading into the odd calm of nothingness.

At first, I don't feel anything; Numbness overtakes me as I float, suspended in the liquid surrounding me. 

But then the panic sets in again.

The more I let myself float about, the more. I realize that I'm just one  person-- one piece of the universe. And Taylor, he was just one person, just one piece of the universe.

Except he was so much more.

He was so much more, and I'm just starting to see it now. 

And all the sudden I just get this intense rush of emotion, which I guess is nothing new. Emotion always comes for me, on its own schedule. But this time, when the memories come, I don't panic because I miss him. I panic over the good times, the nice memories. Because even in those times, I didn't care enough to get to know him.  And that, that's just too hard to deal with. And I- I don't know. I almost wish I wasn't remembering all the good times right now, because no doubt they deserve to be remembered-- just not by me.

--

I open my eyes as I see Ben diving into the pool fully clothed, reaching for me. He pulls me to the surface quickly, as I just let myself lay in his arms limply.

"Somebody lay out some towels!" Ben orders, his tone frantic.

People crowd around, as Finn grabs two towels, one for my head, one for my body.   Ben lays me down, as I let myself cough out some swallowed water.

"Oh buddy, what did you do?"

"N-nothing" I stutter, trying to sit up. "I did nothing."

--

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