half truths ,, l.s

3

ADELAIDE, AUSTRALIA. 17 FEBRUARY 2015.

There's almost nothing worse than having to go out on stage and put on a show when Louis' mad at him. For one, Harry just generally hates when Louis' cross with him, no matter where they are or what they have to do. But more importantly for the fans, it throws off the entire band's dynamic, because now Louis' snappy and Niall doesn't want to get in the middle of them and Liam doesn't want to accidentally make anything worse. The awkward tension between the four of them grows as they wait backstage together, watching the opening act like always. It gets so suffocating that Harry tells them he's going to find Zayn.

"Just let 'em come," Louis snaps, looking at him with narrowed eyes. Right now, he's more angry with Zayn than Harry. "He hasn't skipped a show yet. Don't think he's gone off it that much."

Harry sighs. "You're the only one he confides in anymore, Louis, don't take that for granted." He doesn't mean it viciously; it's the simple truth. Zayn and Louis have a bond that Zayn doesn't have anymore with anyone else, and they need something keeping him here.

"Maybe all I need to do to get you to open up to me again is get you high," Louis says coldly, still looking out at the stage. "Works with Zayn."

Harry takes a step back, annoyed. "For the millionth time, you're just being paranoid."

Louis scoffs, but it sounds sort of sad. He finally looks to Harry again, and he looks sad, too. "This is exactly how it started with Zayn. He just put up a fucking wall, with all of us, and now that's exactly what you're doing."

His palms feel sweaty and his heart races. That scares him on top of everything else, because he's terrified of dropping dead of a heart attack. It's not uncommon, Harry's read, for people with eating disorders to starve themselves bad enough to kill their heart.

"I'm not Zayn," he says thickly.

The defeated look Liam gives him shows he agrees with Louis. Harry can convince Louis he's being paranoid for no real reason, that Harry hasn't changed at all, but he can't convince them all of that. He's being cornered.

"We're not doing this before a show," he mutters, before turning on his heel and wandering off to find Zayn. Now, he's not using Zayn as an excuse to get out of there anymore, he actually wants to find him, to look him in the eye and see if can see himself.

Zayn's a shell of who he used to be. He's rapidly getting worse, too, and Niall told Zayn quietly that he's scared he's going to go off himself or something the other day. Zayn had promised them all he hadn't even thought of that, and it was the most sincere he's been since the car in Sydney. Harry doesn't want Louis or any of them to have to worry about him like they all worry about Zayn.

He doesn't want to be like him, but maybe he is. Maybe they've always been alike and he's never realized it until now.

God, he's being overdramatic, isn't he? His brain spirals more than normal when he's hungry.

A dizzy spell hits him out of nowhere as he's walking down a long hallway, and he's used to this by now, so he forces himself to continue forward normally. He'd eaten an apple and crackers this morning, but he finds his body becomes more and more demanding the longer he keeps this up.

When he turns a corner, he and Zayn almost bump into each other.

"Sorry," Zayn mumbles, going to move out of the way and continue forward.

Harry frowns, following him back towards the direction of the stage. "I was looking for you."

Zayn shoves his hands in his pockets. He reeks of smoke, but the smell doesn't really bother Harry like it used to because of Louis. "Why? It's not like I'd just ditch you all like that." After a moment of thought, he shrugs. "Maybe I would, I dunno. But I guess tonight's your lucky night, 'cause I didn't split."