half truths ,, l.s

5

SAITAMA, JAPAN. 28 FEBRUARY 2015.

He's going to tell Zayn today. After the show, he's going to tell Louis he's not in the mood to go party with the others, and Louis' going to tell him okay, and Zayn's going to reject his offer, too. He'll wait fifteen minutes after they get back to the hotel room, and then he'll find Zayn and spill everything, because he's scaring himself and he can't take it anymore.

Harry hasn't eaten anything since that chicken salad, aside from some fruit last night. That's three days without eating, three days of constant headaches and stomach pains and hating himself. He and Louis got into another fight this morning, and Harry's still feeling the repercussions of it.

"I just want to know what's wrong!" Louis had screamed, face red. "Can you please just tell me, for fuck's sake, I can't keep doing this!"

"Stop yelling at me!" Harry shouted back, feeling small.

"Are you cheating on me, or something?" Louis fired back, and at first it bounced off Harry's skin. Louis' just mad, and Louis says stupid things when he's mad, and that was just another one. But when Harry went to snap something back and got a good look at Louis' face, he knew he actually believed that.

"Louis, of course not," he whispered, which looking back on, only made him look guilty.

"I don't fucking believe you!" Louis had sounded so raw, so hurt that it made Harry's ears ring. "You constantly look guilty, Harry, and it's the only explanation I can come up with."

"I'm not cheating on you! Why would I do that? When would I even have the time to do that?"

Louis stayed silent, chest heaving, and Harry had burst into tears for no other reason than he felt like a piece of shit. Louis had cursed, and immediately came over to comfort him, but Harry had pushed him away.

"I can't keep fucking do this," Louis had hissed. "You're scaring me, Harry!"

Harry had given him a nasty look, and through shaky, choked words, he screamed back, "I'm scaring myself, okay? I'm scared, too!"

Louis looked wounded. He looked very serious, then. "You aren't going to, like, hurt yourself or something, are you? You'd. . . you'd never do that, right?"

Harry threw his hands up, tears running down his cheeks. "Why's that everyone's first question?"

After that, Louis apologized for yelling and Harry had apologized for being a dick, and normally, they'd go back to normal after that, but Louis' been cautious around him all day.

The shows no different. Louis lingers, and he stares, and he laughs too loudly at Harry's stupid jokes. Harry completely ignores all of it, because he doesn't want to have to deal with management reminding them to keep it down a notch. It's humiliating and depressing when that happens.

After the show's no different, Harry fears Louis' not going to let him stay in their hotel room alone while all the others go out, but he does. Reluctantly and hesitantly, but he does. And then Harry finds himself staring at the clock, two minutes left of the fifteen minutes he'd given himself, and he's bloody terrified.

Zayn's not going to judge him, he knows that. He's not going to call him dumb or think he's weak, and he's not going to tell Louis if Harry asks him not to. It's just not how Zayn operates. So Harry can't figure out why he's so scared to tell him.

He sits there, paralyzed with fear, until his fifteen minutes are up. He forces himself to stand and remain blank-minded all the way to Zayn's hotel room. He's scared he'll convince himself to turn around, and he can't. Someone needs to know, even if it's someone as temporary as Zayn could turn out to be.