What I Want

I Go Through

Some days I'm really happy and feel like I can take on the world. I feel physically fine, emotionally fine; I feel like I can do anything.

Some days I have trouble looking in the mirror. I've never loved myself because there isn't much to love, and my appearance makes me hate myself even more. Some times I can watch myself cry and tell myself I'm pathetic and I will never be loved by anyone.

Some days I have trouble getting out of bed. I can lay there for hours. I wont take my meds i wont eat I wont go to the bathroom. I can't get out of my head long enough to start the day. Once, I convinced myself that no one on Earth would miss me if I just stopped doing. If I stopped helping my mom do things, she could ask my brother. If I stopped going to work, someone else would take my spot. If I stopped breathing, they'd bury me or cremate me and people's lives wouldn't be impacted.

Some days I think about how I'm gonna stop. I wonder if I should put myself in a dangerous situation. If I should hit the gas a lil more and speed up in sharp curves. I wonder if I should leave a note. If I should text someone goodbye. I wonder if anyone would read either. I wonder if I should lock the bathroom door and end it quick in a warm bath. I wonder if I'll smile or cry just before I'm gone.