Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: First Impressions

Chapter 4

A giant kicks in the door. He introduces himself as Hagrid. Uncle Vernon pulls a rifle out of the brown bag. That only helps confirm my theory that he is MI6. Earlier, the family was far from home and at the seashore, Vernon gets out of the car to wander off, and returns hours later with a gun. That's how spies roll. They hide weapons and cash and passports in secret spots away from their home so if they ever have to go on the run, they aren't left empty-handed.

The giant manages to take the gun away and bend it up like in some Bugs Bunny cartoon. The big guy, who I now believe is some drug addict, starts rambling some horsesh— about how Harry is a wizard and the Voldemort dude is a bad wizard who killed Harry's parents and other wizards and that there's a wizard school called Hogwarts that Harry is supposed to attend. The guy may be crazy, but if this is what it takes to get Harry out of these poor people's lives, I'm down with it.

Uncle Vernon is yelling for the guy to stop. Hagrid is getting mad that the family didn't tell Harry about his heritage, instead saying that his parents were killed in an auto accident. Why? Let's assume that I believe all this sorcery crap, which I don't. Harry's mom and dad were killed by a wizard who was killing other wizards. Dumbledore said that he would write a letter telling the family not to tell Harry until he was old enough to understand. Harry was ten yesterday. Is ten the good age to tell a kid that he's a wizard and that there's some terrifying evil wizard killing anyone that's a wizard and that Harry's family was murdered? What does that do to a little kid? A car crash is something a young mind can process better than having found out that someone executed their mom and dad and got away. The Dursley didn't advertise Harry's existence or tell him about wizardry to protect him, just as Dumbledore asked.

Hagrid now tells Harry that the evil wizard was trying to lure people to the Dark Side. I suppose that we have to start calling him Darth Voldemort. He also said that the cut on Harry's head was a mark from an evil curse. Telling the boy that he is marked by evil is too much for Uncle Vernon to take and the man strikes a boxing pose, ready to engage in fisticuffs.

This is where it gets strange. Hagrid pulls out an umbrella from under his coat and points it at Uncle Vernon, who retreats to flatten himself against the wall. Things get heated a moment later and he aims the umbrella at them again, there is a flash of light, a loud noise, and Dudley squeals in pain. Hagrid chases the family into the next room. Hagrid had given Dudley a pig tail and now he tells Harry how he is prohibited from doing magic and wants Harry to not talk about what Hagrid did. He also says that he was expelled from Hogwarts for some unknown reason and the chapter ends.

This entire sequence bothers me. Something isn't right. I've had to think about this. I had an idea, but I'm scared to even consider it. I admit I read a little into the next chapter to confirm my theory, but I'm pretty sure I'm right.

Harry just murdered the Dursley family.

G—d— you, Harry Potter! G—d— you!

Loving Uncle Vernon, sweet Aunt Petunia, precious little Dudley, all killed off by this monster.

I know. It's gutting. The book doesn't make it clear. Let me clarify.

There is no Hagrid. G—d— Harry had a psychotic break at the cabin and went full Tyler Durden. He took the rifle away from Uncle Vernon, or else he had it all the time. Uncle Vernon starts yelling at Harry to stop. Harry wants answers to what happened to his family. He aims the gun, not an umbrella, at Dudley and fires. After this, the entire family disappears from the scene and are not in the next chapter. Harry went crazy and killed everyone but created another persona who only chased them into another room in order for him to cope.

Harry is Hagrid. That is why his hair and beard cover most of his face, so it hides his scar.

If any more proof is needed that Hagrid is G—d-- Harry, say that this is a coincidence:

H A G R I D

=

        G      D

H A    R I

Rowling happens to introduce a character that has Harry's name hidden in it? Seriously. Re-read the chapter, knowing what you know now, and tell me that I'm not right.