100 more days of loving you | renhyuck

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dear donghyuck,

i am a bitch.

i am a horrible person.

i hate myself.

well i did it hyuck.

me and jaemin talked and then we talked to jeno.

we told him everything.

we did it after he walked me to the nurse and then we just sat there and cried for a bit.

jeno cried. i cried. jaemin cried again.

i am so mad at myself for telling other people and not you.

it makes me feel like a horrible terrible just all around god awful person.

and then i think back, to that moment where everyone was crying.

instead of giving me any motivation to tell you, it just gave me another reason not to.

hyuckie, i am so incredibly close to you.

sure we have known each other for about the same time as jeno and jaemin have, but its different.

lee donghyuck, if you even thought for a second that i am not aware of how much you like me, maybe even love me, romantically you would be so wrong.

you make it so apparent.

now imagine how much more it is going to hurt when you find out.

im ready to be selfish again when i say this, but i cant be here when it happens.

i know i said i would be ready to take care of you, but not with this.

i cannot see you that broken, it would literally be the last straw for me.

if i ever have to see you that broken, and know its because of me, i dont think i could live with myself, even if it is just a short number of days...

ive never seen jeno (or jaemin for that matter) look so sad in my life, and knowing that they dont even love me half as much as you do...

for right now, i have cried enough tears for the both of us okay?

i am sorry for being selfish, again, but right now its keeping me alive and allowing me to continue to push through the days i have left.

please be understanding :(

♡

i love you hyuck

your dying friend,
renjun