Unsent Letters to Justin

01 | july 15, 2019

Monday

To: Justin Reinhart

Look who decided to write you a letter! Yep, that's right. Nayomi Clarke— the girl who sits behind you.

I bet the name doesn't ring a bell. Does Pukeomi sounds familiar? You know, the girl who puked while dissecting a frog in freshman year? The girl who puked in our school bus months ago when the zigzags nearly made me choke to my death with my own vomit?

Who am I kidding. I'm practically invisible. One day I'll be the talk of the school and then the next day, bam! Everyone's like "Nayomi Clarke? Who is she again?" and then they proceed with their lives as the name vanishes in their brains.

Do I have some kind of superpower to make people forget me when I do something embarrassing? Who knows, maybe I do.

I'm nobody in class. Except to my friends of course but you get the point. I'm just that girl sitting in a corner with the hottest guy in my batch sitting in front of me.

Yikes for you, yehey for me.

Imagine how the butterflies in my stomach went wild when you sat in front of me during the seating arrangement picking. Thank the greek gods I didn't puke from hyping myself so much and from the extreme overwhelming emotion I felt.

I was wishing and praying to the gods above that you'd pick any seat that was near me that day. That they will grant me my wish just once. I told them that I'll never ask for anything more for the rest of the year.

And they granted it.

I guess you could say I'm the luckiest girl alive. Well, maybe the second luckiest since Kimberly sits beside you.

Before I listen to my subconscious telling me that doing this will not change anything and this new notebook I bought hours ago will end up in the trash, I just want to let you know that I am solely writing this to give myself a peace of mind.

I've been restless and distracted lately. Last month was awful. I couldn't stop thinking about you and staring at your back profile. How can I not when we share the same classes a hundred percent of the day until the end of the school year? I'll be stting behind you for ten months! Can you hear me squealing?

Sue me for always thinking about you and miss out half of the lecture. I'm starting to think that liking you is unhealthy for me.

This notebook was expensive by the way since it has calendars to five years from now, has a mail or letter kind of theme that I can rip out from its pages and which I may add, comes with a four letter password.

My inner geeky side of me tells me I'd be wasting a Charlie's Angels high class possession if I were to dispose this and earn myself judgemental looks from the other Angels and Bosley. We don't want that to happen right, so bear with me please.

I don't know if I'll actually be sending this to you. Is this necessary? Probably. Will this creep you out? Definitely.

Maybe I will, soon, or not at all. It depends if the courage I gathered will not leak like a balloon left to deflate. Or maybe I do have the courage and I just can't do it because I'm scared— terrified of what you will think of me.

Maybe if I sent you this, you'll know me as Nayomi, your creepy ass admirer or perhaps as Nayomi, the let's-avoid-girls-like-her-shall-we kind of reaction. But knowing the kind hearted person you are, you might not think too much about it and accept my letter as a present or sincere confession.

This is me confessing my feelings for you but not directly obviously. I can't do that. Not yet. I'm not yet ready to look into your chocolate brown eyes and start a casual conversation and end up rambling about the things I notice about you.

I might end up telling you how you scrunch your eyebrows when you laugh, the way how your eyes disappear when you flash that blinding smile of yours I learned to love so much or how you get ballpen marks on your palms and whisper to yourself you don't know how those black lines got there.

Favor, don't ask how I heard that.

The list goes on and on but my hand is cramping and I am writing on the back part of my second page already. And if I did list them all you might actually sue me.

Believe me when I say that I'm not obsessive or a stalker. I will never bother you like that and make you uncomfortable. Never.

I never even had a conversation with you at all. Or had been partnered with you for a project— heck we haven't even been in the same group for big assignments.

I'm guessing this is fate pulling my strings away from you.

Fate must have taken pity on me the day you sat in front of me and granted my wish because my desperation must have been louder than any thunder.

Then it decided to strike me as torture when fate knew how much you mean to me. Fate knew we shouldn't be together and punished me for wishing of wanting you to be near me.

It knew that no matter how near you are to me, I will always be hurting because I can't do anything to make you love me the way I love you.

But even if fate has to drag me down and fry me alive so that our worlds won't cross, I will still keep loving you. I always will and always do.

Besides, I'm oddly satisfied with admiring you from afar.

And it will stay that way.

Even if it burns.

Sincerely,
Nayomi