Unsent Letters to Justin

14 | august 17, 2019

Saturday

To: Justin Reinhart

I love watching the sunrise and the feel of the morning breeze but waking up at 6am to go help the school on a weekend just ruined my morning. Sometimes, I just wished I wasn't part of the team so I could have drank coffee with Olivia, Diane and Gina (my 14 and 16 year old cousins whose parents passed away when they were little) by the balcony and listen to the three of them bickering.

Diane had to pull my legs (who by the way was more active than me, like wth?) since I was physically clinging to my bed as Olivia's muffled shouting downstairs were slowly getting louder. Trust me, you shouldn't anger a 27 year old pregnant woman or you'll end up facing her wrath. Just kidding, Olivia's actually quite gentle when she's furious but that's the thing, it's scarier.

Unfortunately, I parted with my bed and prepared myself to go to school 15 minutes earlier than the usual. I had to calm Diane down since she drank three cups of caffeine and Gina wasn't being helpful. Guess who awakened the dormant pissed side of Olivia? Surprise, surprise— me.

By 7 o'clock, I arrived at the stage on time as our meeting place today. While I bored myself scrolling through my social medias, I heard cheering and the synchronized sounds of feet landing. Nobody else arrived yet so I decided to check it out since I've got nothing else to do other than wait anyway. Better entertain myself than waiting for a group of tardy people.

When I reached the source of the noise, I was once again greeted with your cheer team's stunts as your coach counted loudly while she clapped. For the nth time, I easily found you.

I marveled your stance as you were about to do a backflip. Is throwing yourself backwards not terrifying at all? What if you slipped and broke an ankle? (nit that I'm asking for it, God, no.) I watched you from a distance and never left my eyes on you. Those mesmerizing brown eyes shone with a glint of happiness that I'd do anything to see that again.

Damn and your bright smile was enough to make me forget reality for a moment. Like, crap, I'm in deep trouble.

You my love, have no idea that only you can make me feel this way. I couldn't even explain to you how good it felt to see you so close from me after those days of brief glimpses of you in the hallways.

I didn't realize your routine was done until some of the members walked past me, the smell of sweat waking me up from my trance. When I was slapped back to reality, I felt someone beside me that I flinched. Seriously, they should stop doing that. My heart can't take more surprises and aching anymore.

Kala and Arina were staring at me with mischievous grins and wiggled their eyebrows, implying that they caught me staring at the one and only, Justin Reinhart. I half heartedly denied but I did it the Nayomi Clarke way— stuttering, restless hands and stalling.

After a few teasings here and there with my growing irritation, they stopped and the expression on my face just screamed relief that they teased me again. They're not Kala and Arina if teasing isn't their forte and it's not Nayomi Clarke if making a complete idiot of herself isn't her professional.

By a quarter to 8, everyone arrived and we started tending the mess at the field first since we were told that the cheer team will transfer there before lunch because the gym is quite small. There's probably 40 plus memebers in your team that running around the small space might cause accidents.

Then minutes after 12, your team ended practice and entered the scene, asking anyone if they needed help. I was untangling my 6th wire by the stairs when someone sat beside me. I looked up and saw a pair of chocolate brown eyes I always stared at that I think I forgot how to breathe.

"Do you need help?"

My chest twisted in pain at the closeness of our bodies as your gaze never left mine. You felt warm from after practicing that I caught myself wanting to feel more of the heat. I heard a tiny gasp and belatedly realized that the sound came from me. God, was I dreaming? The boy who fed the blazing fire in my heart unknowingly talked to me!

I fumbled with the wire on my palms that I must have tangled it more. I didn't even realize I was tense all over and guarded. I tried to act normal but pretending to stay calm wasn't an easy task. I was choking the wires on my hands and my mind just went flatline.

Staying true to myself, I stuttered like a complete idiot, broke eye contact and politely declined the offer. Why would I work with someone who I can never call mine and look at you the way I do? Like, hello, are you forgetting the fact that I am in love with you? It felt right to refuse because if I didn't, I don't think I can trust my heart not too break into tiny pieces.

Being civil with each other will only deepen the scars in my heart I tried so hard to mend.

And staying true to your title, you flashed a small smile and took the wire I was gripping from my hands. Our fingers slightly brushed past each other that my heartbeat stopped along with the breath that I was holding. I completely stilled that I was sure I saw the confusion in your eyes.

As overreacting as it may sound but it felt like a spark traveled from the tips of my fingers, sending a bolt all the way to the center of my heart. Did you feel it too?

I remember observing your slender fingers as you calmy untangled the wires I damaged. When I couldn't stand how my hands felt empty next to the boy who makes my heart full everytime, I fetched the tool box behind you and felt your eyes follow my movements that I wished that moment could last forever. A moment where I wanted to revisit and revisit again just to see the way you looked at me or felt right next to me. A moment I knew that would only happen once and never again.

I worked on the broken speaker Vera couldn't fix and we sat by the stairs as you quietly sang to a song I knew would be stuck in my head for a long time.

Sincerely,
Nayomi