Disastrous

Forty

Shay's POV

"How am I supposed to tell my mom? What am I supposed to tell her?" I emphasize the 'what' as dramatically as I can whilst being quiet. Austen shrugs, though it's barely noticeable in his laying down position. He faces me on his side, cheek in his palm and lips frowning.

"You're mad at me." I sigh, noticing how utterly silent he's been since we found out this...this...news, hours before. I hadn't started crying again yet, though I trusted that would occur when I had alone time in my morning shower.

"I'm not mad," he breathes deeply, closing his eyes. I reach my hand to him and touch over his knuckles. "I'm just...I don't know, Shay. I'm worried. For you, for me. Where does this whole situation leave me?"

I frown. "What do you mean where does it leave you?"

He looks away from me, staring intently at the pillow like it's something of extreme interest.

"This is another tie you have to him now. Where does that leave me?"

"Don't be ridiculous." I gripped his hand tighter, not liking the places his mind was travelling right now.

"Niall isn't here. You are. And I want you to stay, because..because..well, I don't really know, Austen. I just know that I want you here. With me."

"Okay." He sighs tiredly, and I know he wants to ask me something but he won't. I know he wants to know where we stand. I know that he wants us to be official, he wants us to be together in a way that I no longer trusted from constantly being hurt. I wasn't ready for that, and maybe I'd never be, but having a boyfriend definitely wasn't on top of my priority list right now.

It crossed my mind constantly that maybe I needed to call Niall, to tell him. But I didn't want to. I didn't want him in my life. Any time I had the good thought of thinking he deserves to know, those thoughts are overpowered by the negative. I could do just fine without him. He didn't deserve me, he didn't deserve this family. And I knew in due time I could be happy, and forget about him. I could move on, and I knew he could too.

I stared at Austen as his arm gave way and he dropped noiselessly to the pillow, asleep. His lips pursed and he frowned, but when I yanked the sheets over his shoulders the frown disappeared. I admired his soft dark hair, and the way his arm curled towards his chest. I liked the way his legs always nudged closer to mine when he slept. Yes, yes I could definitely move on.

Niall's POV

"Hi mum." I muttered into the phone, running a hand over my hair. I had lost track how many months it had been. I wasn't even sure what month it was now. It was getting warm, the snow fading away into the mushy grass. Every time another boulder of ice and snow melted, I felt as though she was slipping further away. Disappearing until there was nearly nothing left but the vague memories of her in my mind. I kept them locked away there, thinking about them as often as I could to ensure I didn't forget. But I could never, ever, forget about my son.

"What's the matter, Niall?" Her voice was emotionless, dry. She was devastated over the entire situation with Shay, and it wasn't just me that was suffering. Rory being ripped away from me also resulted in his sudden departure from my family's lives as well. Rory was my parents only grandchild, and they were utterly crushed, so much so that my mum wouldn't speak to me for the longest time, and now, when she did, she sounded distant.

I blinked my eyes closed and sighed, holding my cellphone against my ear and shoulder as I yanked a lighter from my back pocket. I plopped back down on the hard cement step and flicked the flame to life. The end of the cigarette lit brilliantly red and I inhaled deeply.