Real Life

11: what if

Everyday, I fill up my hours. I fill them up with reading, writing, singing, playing guitar, painting, drawing, anything really. I fill up my day with these things to keep my mind off of would it would be on. My family. I'm pan. My Mom, my Stepdad, and my Brother all know and they all *accept* me. (Technically, my brother thinks I'm lesbian, but I'm too lazy to correct him rn)

       What scares me the most is how the rest of my family doesn't know. Questions swim around in my head, "how will they react", "what if they disown me", what if they hate me". The problem is I don't know how to stop these thoughts, so I try to keep busy.

         Now, these thoughts are normal for someone in the closet. But what I'm not too sure about is, is it normal to be wonder if one day your parents will wake up and think "wait she's pan, ew, I'ma kick her out".
Am I the only one who is scared that that might happen?

I'm actually so scared my parents will kick me out (even though they already said they're fine with it!) that I actually have an old backpack filled with clothes, a blanket, money, a flashlight, and anything else I could think of that I would need if I was homeless.

      I have literally prepared for being kicked out even though they said they won't kick me out!

       Is that normal?

Also, about the whole " *accept* " thing, I will write about that later, but basically I'm not completely sure that they actually 'accept' me or if they really just 'tolerate' me.

I love you my darlings!💜