four alarm fire // matty healy

Never Said

Matty and I walked together for a little while longer, farther away from the blue cottage. I hoped I would never see it again, and Matty didn't ask any questions about it.

It felt weird to know that someone in my family was alive, even though I had never met her before. Someone was related to me by blood. After what happened to Isaac and my mum, I didn't think I would be able to say that again.

"I think that's a good spot." I pointed to a clearing in the shore below. We nodded and followed a rocky set of stairs down to the soft sand below. I could feel the grains sliding into my shoes, my socks. The ocean was louder now that we had dropped in altitude. It was yelling at me.

"Would you like to say a few words?" Matty asked. His hand rubbed my back assuredly. I said I wouldn't cry and I won't. I went to open the urn, to set him free. To set me free. I waded into the water and let my sneakers become squishy and wet. The words leaving my mouth tried to find their intended recipient, but they settled on the waves instead.

"Well, Isaac, we finally got to see mum's old house." Tears were already cooling my cheeks. "It looked really nice. Sweet. Nurturing. You would have liked it."

I looked at the urn. It didn't feel hot anymore - it was warm, like a fresh cinnamon bun. 

"I hope you know I was never, ever mad at you. Even when I said I was. You know I'm a hothead sometimes, and I said things I don't mean, but I'm not angry. I hope you weren't angry at me, either, for leaving. My plan was to slip away and help you escape before we couldn't." The thought of Uncle made me shiver. "I never wanted anyone to get hurt. Especially not you. I'm sorry that you died because I was selfish."

I twisted the lid open. Grey. I sprinkled his ashes with a tilt of the urn. Sharp bone fragments and his body flew into the breeze and then he was carried to the water about meter away from me. Carefully, carefully, then it was empty.

"I'm really grateful that I got to be your twin." I tossed the urn onto a soft patch of sand behind me. I stepped forward.

My knees were wet now. I kept walking forward into the water, hoping that it would consume me. This world was unfair because I was here alone and the man who shot my brother was not yet captured. I didn't worry about my own safety, but I worried about the safety of others.

The ocean was lapping against my stomach now.

"What the fuck, Eris?" Matty called from the shore. "Come back!"

I kept marching on.

"For fuck's sake-"

I stepped further and further. The water reached my shoulders before my hand was grabbed. I faced away from him, I couldn't have him see me like this.

"He's gone!" My voice cracked through a steady stream of tears. "He is fucking gone and I can't do anything to bring him back! My best friend is dead!"

"I know what it's like to lose someone you love." He said assuredly. "I would do anything to see my Nan again. But you know what you do?"

His grip ease when I turned to face him. The ends of my hair were wet and stringy, and our clothes were entirely damp. 

"You can spend your time making the best memories with the people that are still here. It hurts like a bitch right now, and it will for a while, but the best feeling in the world is looking at yourself and thinking that they would have been proud of you in that moment." We were both crying now. Two blubbering idiots, up to their necks in sea water.

"Let's get out of here," he suggested. I looked out to the shore again, the urn and Matty's wallet, phone and keys were next to it. "We can get ice cream and you can tell me every good memory you've ever had with Isaac."

I nodded. Fingers now intertwined, our steps through the water were slow.

"Matty," I said. He looked at me, our clothes were now heavy and clinging to our bodies. "Were you treading water back there?"

"Yeah... why? You weren't?"

"No."

"Fuck off."