do i even know you? oisuga

six//your heart.

tooru's eyes burned from the crying, his head hurt and he felt dehydrated, although hajime had forced him to drink a whole bottle of water.
he wished he could have worn a black hoodie and put it in his face, but that wasn't appropriate.

instead, he was wearing a beige sweatshirt with some flowers on it and light blue pants, a silver belt bringing the outfit together and a single earring was dangling from his right ear, it had his birth stone in it.

if he could, he would've stayed in front of the door forever. he didn't mind his fingers freezing, most definitely didn't mind the wind that made him tear up again, but he minded the fact that suga was in there and probably didn't have the comfort of a childhood best friend caring for him, so he rang the bell.

he wanted to throw up as soon as he heard footsteps, he felt so unbelievably sick in his stomach and his mind was twisting.
sooner then he wanted to realize, the door handle turned, opened.

in the most caring way possible, suga looked horrible.

dark circles underlined his almond eyes that seemed like they lost their color, his hair stood up in multiple directions and he seemed so fragile, maybe broken already.

he stepped aside and tooru almost gasped, expecting that he'd just close the door on him. slowly and unsure, he stepped inside, before koushi closed the door.

"i'm-"
"not here."

suga pulled him into the kitchen and sat down, moving his left hand to point at the seat in front of him where tooru sat down.

"do- ..... you wanna start or should i?"
"you go ahead. that's why you came here, no?"

suga's voice broke his heart, mate it shatter into a million pieces, but he tried to ignore it, the pain in his voice, the glassy eyes.

"i want you, koushi-"
"suga. and if you came here to tell me you wanna keep being friends with benefits i'll kick you ou-"
"no. i want you to let me love you... not sexually."
"wha-"
"i.. should start with the... obvious. sadly obvious. i'm sorry, ko- suga. sugawara koushi i am undeniably, deeply and utterly sorry. more on that later then... i got you... this."

with shaking hands, tooru placed a heart shaped bottle with a red liquid in it onto the wooden table.

"it's uhm... rose water. sue you've heard it before, but,"

out of pure nervousness, he had to chuckle

"if you didn't: it's good for your skin, smells good as well... good for apologies as well. because i owe you so much more then just that. when... i was still a child my mother used to make this with me, we called it a love potion. i thought if i put it all over my body everyone would fall for me"

suga gave a weak smile, but it still hurt.
god, it hurt so bad.

"you... don't need that tho. i just thought- ...yeah."

he breathed out.

"i was the biggest asshole. i am so aware of that. it was irresponsible, it was disgusting and it was absolutely unfair. i let my jealousy act over my brain. i was just- so mad. i was so mad, but i wasn't... mad at you. i was mad at him. i thought he had- you. i thought he won you over, got you after all this time and it felt undeserved, because i was supposed to have you and all these feeling dogged my mind and i wanted to punch him into his stupid face until he gave you back to me, i wanted to be the only one who was allowed to touch you like that, you were supposed to be mine, but..."

his words had seemed generic before, laid out.
but what he was saying now felt like the truth, genuine maybe, real.

"i realized something. you're not... an object. and i knew that before, of course, but my way of thinking still made me feel like that... in a way. and it was so wrong. you're not something to be passed around, something to have, to own. you're you. you're someone. you're a person. you're a genuine and caring person, you have nice hair and a laugh that makes my heart beat to the moon and i never, absolutely never thought of you as less than that. you were never just blowjobs to me, or handjobs at that. i never reduced you to that and i wouldn't ever dare to. you're kind. you're so kind and wholesome and i couldn't ever see you as just a- toy. or a whore at that, or a slut. because you aren't. nothing i'm saying right now erases the fact that i called you that and i'm so aware and you're free to throw me out of the window. i- am not gonna say... the word. because i think that would be manipulative, but, suga. you have taken over my mind. you're everything i see and everything i want to see. if i ever actually liked iwaizumi, i like you so much more. i think of you almost every second of my life, not just when i- you know... all the time. i think of your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your lips... your hair. everything about you. i think about your humor, your kindness and the comfort you give me. you are so free to let me go, but please i'm begging you, suga, please realize i never meant to hurt you. i know that that doesn't change it. but i never truly meant it. i'm not blaming you for taking it in that moment, i just- don't let anyone ever tell you that again. and if they do call me and i'll kill them or beat some sense into them. you're so much more than anything my words made you to be. you're a star, koushi, the sun at that. you deserve all of the happiness in the world and i cannot express how sorry i am for taking that from you, but i will promise to never in my life say anything like that ever again. i promise."