Inner Peace, Outer Chaos| Alex Rider+Tom Harris|

Four: What Alex Has Chosen To Do

Tw: suicidal thoughts

What did I do in this life to deserve a moment such as this? What, I ask you, what!

I never pinned Alex as the clingy type, but today's events have proved otherwise. It started with the blanket-sharing, escalated to  Alex's head on my shoulder, and through a process of wiggling, wriggling, and squirming, ended here.

Alex Rider is cuddling into my body with his arms around my waist, one of his hands on my hip and the other at the hem of my shirt. He has his head resting on my shoulder, and he keeps nuzzling his face into my neck. Alex fucking Rider has his leg curled in between both of mine and he actually seems to be comfortable. What has this world come to?

I'm to scared to speak, in case the stuttering begins again. I wish that Alex knew what he's doing to me, I wish he knew how much it hurts to have him so close. I wish he knew how much pain I am in, but I hope to whatever God exists that he never feels it. If I could have one thing, anything, it would be him. And if that wasn't an option, I'd want happiness for him, no matter what happens to me.

Sometimes, when I'm alone at night, at 3am when it's dark, I wonder. Would they be happier without me? I wonder if they'd care if I was dead. I wonder if the people who hated me would hear, wonder if they'd think 'Oh, that's what was going on with him. Huh.' I wonder is they'd give a fucking shit. Would they? BECAUSE I. DON'T. THINK. SO. So maybe, I should just leave. It would be so easy. I could stop drinking, I could take a whole bottle of pills. Trust me, I've considered it.

But when the rain gets too heavy, when it threatens to drown me, Alex helps me out. He pulls me from the deadly ocean and holds an umbrella over my head. He pulls me closer to him, and let's me walk by his side. Because, in my head, and in real life, he knows that I can stand on my own two feet, that sometimes I just need a little help.

It's true, I'm suicidal, but that doesn't mean I want to be. I want to get to a better place, a place where I am happy and want to live at all times. A place that tells me I can't stop fighting now, that tells me there's so much to live for, so many people to stay for. Maybe that place doesn't exist. Maybe that place is 10,000 miles away. Maybe it's just around the corner. Maybe it's here, nestled in Alex's arms and shielded from the world.

While I've been lost in my thoughts, Samurai One has taken on a criminal organisation and Alex has slipped his hand under my shirt. He's unconsciously (seriously, I don't think he knows he's doing it) rubbing his thumb back and forth on the bare skin of my stomach, and it's driving me wild. At that thought, I begin to hum a Troye Sivan song.

Cause when you look like that
I've never ever wanted to be so bad, oh
And it drives me wild

I skip a little, because I don't know all of the words.

You make my heart shake, bend, and break
But I can't turn away
And it's driving me wild
It's driving me wild

Alex hears me humming, and tilts his head up, trying to look at my face, but ending up staring at my chin, and smiles.

'I love that song,' he tells me, and the vibrations from his voice on my neck make my head spin and my heart skip beats.

'I know,' I say, mock-arrogantly. 'And guess what else,' I imagine saying 'I love you,'. Then I'd reach down and kiss him, right on his pretty little nose. No. Nope. Neeever gonna happen. I think, bringing myself back to reality. Stop it with the alarming thoughts, there's still a week to go.

He still hasn't realised he's gently stroking my stomach, but I'm not about to point it out anytime soon. I'd much rather lay back and enjoy it. Alex settles back down, managing to come impossibly closer. It's then that I realise, I'm safe tonight. I'm in his arms, and I'm safe, and I'm not alone.

I settle down too, watch the movie, and enjoy what Alex has chosen to do.

_________________________________
~Authors Note on Tom's suicidal thoughts~
If anyone who reads this is going through the same thing, please, tell someone. A friend, family, a teacher, a helpline, anyone. Don't do what I did and suffer in silence. It took me four attempts over a year to tell someone. I'm in a much better place now, I'm in a place where I'm happy and want to live. I have so many people who care, my best friend, who I've known for only half a year less than my own brother. My girlfriend, who has loved me through so much, even when we were both so broken. She picked me up and said 'Hey, maybe we can fix each other.' And she did. Just do you know G, you've saved my life. So please, get the help you need if you're in the same position as Tom.

Also, sorry for the short chapter, but a lot happened.

~HJ